The Legend of Midori : Part 01 by Greenbeans Journal 1 : There's never an axe around when you need one... I've been meaning to pick one up, but I'd finally gotten the hang of using a flail. (It works much better when you don't let go of both ends at the same time). Today I could have really used an axe because this big ass tree popped up in my back orchard. "Let me bear your seeds," it said. Keep your roots off of me or I'll find a harp and do a bit of slash burning. There is a silver lining to this situation. Li'l Cactus will have to find another location for his inner-city soccer matches. Now I won't have to listen to him cry after he pops the ball (again)... Journal 2 : It's a monster! Onionboy taught me how to capture monsters today. I'm still wary of this idea, though. My shrink said that I needed some companionship in my life, but I've got a friend in Li'l Cactus. Anyhow, we captured the egg -- damn, how can it still be in a shell and move as quickly as it does? -- and took it back to the barn. I waited. And waited. And when Onionboy wasn't looking I gave it a love tap with my flail and the little critter fell out of its egg. A puffball. I went to all that effort and I got a puffball as a pet. Onionboy assured me that the more I fed it, the stronger and more able it would become. I didn't have a receipt so I couldn't return it. I named it Fizzgig. Journal 3 : "Who the hell are you?" That's all I could think of to say after a pair of punk ass kids attacked me in the west end of Domina. These half-pint twerps thought they were going to take over the world with *pumpkins* of all things. I'm sorry kiddies, but even an army of rabid squirrels would have been a better idea. At least they're mobile. Even worse, they followed me home like they were a lost pup or something. Maybe Li'l Cactus will prick them while they sleep, that would amuse me greatly. Journal 4 : Hey there, good lookin'! I saw the most gorgeous woman in Domina this afternoon. Of course, she looked just like me! I wanted to catch up with her to see what she was doing tonight, but she kept running off after talking to those saladpeople. (Yum, salad, I wonder if they'd go well with ranch..?) My hopes of conquest were shattered when I followed her into the west end of town and it was pumpkinfied again (what is it with pumpkins?). It turned out that the world wasn't blessed with another me, instead it was this little black thing pretending to be me. While I'd usually be flattered, it tried to pull the sticks out of my hair. No one touches the hair. I kicked its ass and then went home. Journal 5 : Why don't you help around here?! Those brats haven't left yet and they aren't helping around the place either. All I ask is for them to keep feeding seeds to the perverted old tree in the back, pick the fruit, and fill up Fizzgig's box, but that's apparently too much for them. I'll have you know that when I was their age my pa made me do two, no five times the work I ask of them. And I had to have it done by noon so that he could take the fruits of my labor to the market! That craggy old bastard. All my hard work and *he* got the Lucre for it. I'm going to go hug Fizzgig now... Journal 6 : Not sleet, nor hail, nor idiots... I will give Pelican that; he gets the mail delivered. Diddle (that weird little man with the juggling monkey) tried to mail a letter and ended up mailing himself instead. Then his pal, Capella, did the same thing. What a bunch of idiots! And of course they had a lover's spat outside of the Chobin Caves and I had to go in to rescue them. After I beat down a Giga Rex they made up. Heh, monkey love indeed. Journal 7 : I am *not* a babysitter! The brats have been here for over a week and they haven't left yet. I might as well get around to asking their names and what they want. Bud wanted me to escort him to meet the seven wisdoms (though he maintains that there are actually only six). I opened my mouth and pointed to the molars in the back. His sister, Lisa, whapped with her broom for being a smart ass. (I can't wait until Fizzgig grows big enough to eat small children. They're going to be the first ones I feed it)! I guess I can drag them along on my travels with me. Maybe they'll stumble across the wisdoms while we're out and about. Or if I get lucky, something unfortunate will befall them and I'll have the house to myself again. Journal 8 : Maybe I should go into sales..? Man, am I good or what? I sold 3 suckers these lamps for 1000 Lucre each. The hardest part was mimicking the noises that pass for their language. But that's what a Yak Bak is for, baby. I just recorded their "dub dud's" and played it back. If only everything were this easy! Journal 9 : Sucks to be you I encountered a saladperson who had some sort of salad lice when I went to Gato Grottoes today. Whatever it was, it gave him a stomach ache (which is odd considering that lice tend to be a skin condition..). I also met a man named Rubens. He was an odd fellow who liked to tap his foot a lot. After following both him and saladperson around for a while Rubens ended up dead on the terrace. I think I'll avoid the Grottoes for a while. Too much bad shit is going on down there. Journal 10 : What is a Greenball anyway? Niccolo asked me to go with him to gather Greenballs. I wasn't doing anything else, so Fizzgig and I accompanied him to the waterfall. Once we got there he set to work while Fizzgig and I sat on a log and talked about the more pressing questions of the day. (You know the ones, like what should we do with half the shit we've managed to pick up during our travels? Does *anyone* know what to do with a Tako Bug? I didn't think so.) Journal 11 : Hide and go freak If I ever go to the jungle again it will be too soon. I *thought* it would be a nice place to train Fizzgig up to be a monster's monster. Instead I encountered a pair of freaks and their doggish master. I was this close to having Fizzgig sic on them when the dogman offered money for the tail of a Du'cate. I could go for getting paid to train Fizzgig. The underbrush was too thick to find the Du'cate. It looked like I was going to have to work with the freaks if we wanted to get this done. I spoke to each of them and tricked them into thinking that I was their partner exclusively (not only were they stupid individually, but it compounded when they were partners). Anyhow, they managed to stumble across the lair of the Du'cate and Fizzgig and I took him out. When we got back to the entrance clearing the dogman changed the deal and didn't hand out the Lucre that was promised. I was mad enough to stick my flail where he'll never find it until he gave me an artifact for my time. I hear there's a good black market for these things. I'll have to look into it later. Journal 12 : Aww hell! I knew that the day would come where I'd either fall into heaven or hell, I just didn't expect it to be so soon. Larc, a demon hell-beast thing took me down into the abyss and had me go through the Baptism of Flame. No doubt the passed on nuns from Gato Grottoes are rolling in their graves... So, getting back to why I was dragged into the underworld. It seems word of my leet ninja flail skillz had reached as far as hell itself. Larc's master tested to see if I really was all that and a bag of chips. Of course I passed the test easily and was asked to help Drakonis regain his powers. Petty moralistic issues such as "Should I help strengthen the powers of darkness?" never crossed my mind. While we were chilling I asked if Drakonis would trade one of his Shadole for Fizzgig. He said that Fizzgig was too puny to be a good hell-beast. What a shame, I've been training it real hard too. Fizzgig seemed offended that I would leave it behind in hell and refused to talk to me until we returned home and I fed it a Diceberry. Journal 13 : Way to go Li'l Cactus! I love you man, really, I do. Unlike Fizzgig (who doesn't seem to be growing in size) *you* take the initiative to get rid of those brats. I'm still wondering how you managed to slip out of the house with Lisa's broom. Damn, they must be deaf, blind, and dumb to not notice a foot tall cactus dragging a broom behind it (no offense to you, buddy), but they're completely oblivious. Next time though, take it a bit further away than the Junkyard or to a more difficult dungeon at least. Journal 14 : Gettin' some R & R Fizzgig and I went to Madora Beach today. There were plenty of crabs for us to step on. I love the sound they make as I end their lives beneath my boot. We need to bring Li'l Cactus with us next time. I'm sure it would enjoy sniping at the crabs with his needles. A couple of penguins were gettin' it on pretty hot and heavy not that far away from us. Such public displays of affection always make me want to gag. Even if Fizzgig isn't big, it's trained well. I ordered it to go over there and break 'em up. I'm not sure what Fizzgig did (likely peed on them) but they both went scooting out of there in a hurry. Good monster!