Chibi-Sean: "I'm so sick of this Omake that I don't even want to read an intro." Chibi-Quandry: "How convenient, Sean. I didn't much feel like writing one either, so--" Chibi-Greenbeans: "Now, now, none of that. We're live in 10 seconds! Please tell me you have something written." Chibi-Q: "Nope, but I--" Chi-Bean: "We can't just jump straight into the Omake!" Chibi-Sean: "Why not?" Chi-Bean: "Because I said so!!" Chibi-Q: "Peoples, peoples, please! Calm down and listen. I have it all under control. Instead of writing an intro, I've made a short movie." Chibi-Sean: "Huh?" Chi-Bean: "Quandry... how are you going to show a movie!? This is a textual medium!" Chibi-Q: "Just trust me." Chi-Bean: "No!" Chibi-Sean: "Too late, we're live!" Chi-Bean: [stage-fright sweatdrops] "..." Chibi-Sean: [Picks up her motionless figure and carries her off stage] Chibi-Q: "Okay Xu, dim the lights and cue the video!" Chibi-Xu: "Yokai!" [Xu turns off your lights] [Projector starts rolling the movie] "NeeeeeeyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Q H X The audience is reading. Announcer A: "For the convenience of others, please turn off your ICQ sounds during the movie." Announcer B: "Why not try a large soft drink? You know you're thirsty!" Announcer C: "While you're at it, have a large popcorn!" Announcer B: "Mmm, popcorn! Good idea! There's also candy, lots and lots of candy!" Announcer C: "That's right! Don't buy just one box. Buy seven!" Announcer B: "If not eight! Or nine! And have a hot dog!" Announcer C: "Ooh yes! You know you want a hot dog, and you know how you like having ice cream after you eat a hot dog!" Announcer B: "That's true! You should get a quart of ice-cream, and another soda, just in case." Chibi-Kei: "Geeze... why don't they just have a buffet line at the ticket booth?" Chibi-Zell: "Mmmmm... hot dogs...." [drool] Announcer B: "It's available..." Announcer C: "And affordable!" Announcer B: "...at the lobby's concession stand!" Announcer C: "Try some now!" Announcer C: "NOW!!!!!!!!" [Several chibis get up and run in fear to the lobby] Chibi-Q: "Eh? I didn't know we had a concession stand...?" Chibi-Biggs: [behind a counter outside, with a striped concession-stand hat on] "We had to make money somehow! Chibi-Wedge: [with another hat] "Our salaries have been cut so many times that we now OWE money every pay period..." Chibi-Q: "Okaaaay... I believe that, actually. Poor guys. Keep rolling, Xu!" The following preview is rated "H" for All Audiences. Chibi-Kei: "Huh? That's not right!" Chibi-Sean: "Sure it is!" Chibi-Xu: "Down in front!" Chibi-Sean: "I would, if you'd let me go down in f--!" Chibi-Xu: [Nails Sean with a ninja throwing-reel] Chibi-Q: "Shh!!" Announcer A: "Coming soon to an Omake near you!" Announcer C: [deep voice] "You've seen drama!" [Short clip of previous part, when Quistis yells, "My laundry, my precious laundry!"] Announcer C: "You've seen suspense!" [Short clip of first part, when Quandry is hanging above the pool at the center of the garden] Announcer C: "You've even seen Xu's panties!" Chibi-Sean: [clapping] "Yaaaay!" [No clip available] Chibi-Sean: "Awwwww!!" Announcer X: "And now, you will finally see the conclusion of the most ridiculously long, pointlessly written Omake known to man!" Chibi-Q: "...huh? Wha??" Announcer X: "...and where the author secretly likes writing silly intros better than his own story line!" Chibi-Q: "Hey! That's not true! ...I think...!" Chibi-Xu: [snicker] "So I played with the audio track? Call it artistic license." Chibi-Greenbeans: [coming into the projector room] "Um, Xu? I hate to break it to you, but... only authors get artistic license. Characters get--" Chibi-Sean: "Spanked!!!" [THWACK!! Another ninja throwing-reel hits Sean in the jaw] Chibi-Q: "Xu!! Stop throwing around my movie reels! There'll be no movie left!" Chibi-Xu: [fanning off a steaming Greenbeans] "I didn't throw that one!" Chibi-Fujin: "COMMERCIAL!" Chibi-Raijin: "They can't go to commercial, y'know? This is a movie!" Chibi-Sean: "Is it true? If you piss her off enough, does she become Redbeans?" Chibi-Chaos: "Quandry, your intro is falling apart. Better do something quick." [Chibi-Q looks around to see Xu holding Greenbeans from jumping out of the projector room, Sean sticking his tongue at her, Kei yelling at him to sit down, Fujin and Raijin throwing popcorn at the screen, and Zell noisily devouring an arm-load of hot dogs he bought from the concession stand.] Chibi-Q: "You're right. Luckily, I have just the thing!" [Chibi-Q starts waving his hands around] Chibi-Q: "We have an emergency on the campus! Report to the theatre, on the double! WELCOME!" Red Mantle: "And now, our feature presentation. Red Mantle Wipe!!" *** "How's your nose doing?" Greenbeans asked. Quandry took the tissue from one of his nostrils and winced. Most of the blood on it had dried and stuck to his nose hairs, some of which came out with the tissue. "I think I'm doing okay." Chaos looked at Greenbeans, and then at their new bear-eared companion. He laughed to himself, noticing the funny way Quandry shuffled along to balance himself while walking on wheeled foot gear. Still... "Your skates are pretty cool," he said. Quandry sniffed back some blood and smiled. "Think so?" "A bit hard to walk in, aren't they?" "No way, these are an advantage!" He assured him. "Check this out." The three of them stopped, and Quandry spun in a circle. Then he spun another one, kicked in his turbo-jets, and spun about a hundred more really fast circles. He stopped himself instantly on a heel-brake, stuck out his arms, and bowed. Chaos' jaw dropped open to make room for the salivating. "Ano... I want a pair of cool skates like his," he said to Beans. "Hey, you wanna join?" Quandry suddenly sounded excited. "If you wanna join the GiGi's, I'll have to test you. Think j0 g0tz da m4d sHr3ddin' sk33lZ??" "Excuse me??" Greenbeans asked, her head cocked to one side. "What I wouldn't give for subtitles..." Chaos seemed to understand well enough. "You're on!" He said. "What I gotta do?" "A'ight chummer, it's like this. You and me race to Cid's office. We'll make his chair the target. First one to tag wins! All you have to do is tag first, and you're in. Sound good?" "Sure, but I don't have any skates." "No probs, I hook you phatty-phat style." He dug into his backpack and pulled out an extra pair. "Eh? Whoah, whoah, whoah! Guys, stop the show. What is this all of a sudden? You do realize the stupidity of your proposed actions, don't you? Can't you just race to the end of the hall or something?" "Nah! There's no challenge in that," Quandry explained. "It's gotta be something that requires skill, or it's not a real test." "He's got a point," Chaos agreed, fastening his skates. "Cid's chair is a better target." "And have you thought about the world of trouble you'll be in if Cid happens to be IN the chair at the time!?" They looked at her blankly and responded. "No." "Well then, may I suggest--!" "Hey, Quandry, they're too big. These aren't my size!" "They're every size. They have auto-fitting straps." Quandry leaned over and pressed a button, and a small motor pulled the straps tightly around Chaos' feet and ankles. Ecstatic over their coolness, he stood and struck a couple of poses to see how they looked. "What do you think, Beans?" He put his hands on his knees and stuck his posterior out a bit. "Do these skates make my butt look too big?" "WHAT!? Chaos, they're skates. They're on your feet." "I think they look fine," Quandry said, patting his shoulder. "But lookin' hip in your duds is only part of the game. Think you can keep up? Pay close attention now, 'cuz I'm a buss me some moves!" "I really think we need to postpone this, you two. I can hear the voices of some rather pissed off Shumi just around the corner!" They listened for a moment, and unfortunately, Greenbeans was correct. "Uh-oh!" "Guess we'd better get started!" With that, Chaos and Quandry shot down the hallway on turbo-propelled roller blades. "Hey!!" Beans yelled after them. "What about me!?" Quandry came rocketing back and jumped over her, circled around, picked her up by the waist, and zoomed off to follow Chaos. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!???" "Quiet! They'll hear us. Chaos, this way!" "We have an incoming call from B1, South-west corridor," a student announced. "Go ahead and answer it," said Selphie. "Put it on the speaker." Quistis and Xu followed her over to the communications panel. "PHQ here, go ahead." "Team 1, reporting in," the speakers buzzed. "Team 1?" Selphie asked. "Why are you calling from the tunnels?" "We were ordered to leave our patrol area by the Shumi, to join pursuit of the intruder." "The Shumi are involved...?" "We have followed the intruder into the tunnels," said a different voice. "I suggest you set up checkpoints at the southern entrances." "Roger that. I'll notify teams--" "And Selphie." "I-- Yes?" "Unless apprehension of the suspect happens swiftly, this will be reflected on your record." "I understand." The connection dropped. "Selphie," Xu whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You should calm down. As you know, getting too worked up won't help you think any straighter." "Yes, I know. You're right... but that didn't help me any." "Look, it's almost the end of your shift. Why don't you let me take over from here?" Selphie took a deep breath and thought for a moment. "I have some other ideas," she said finally. "Alright, take PHQ. I'll be downstairs organizing the teams." Xu nodded. With Beans in tow, Quandry and Chaos ducked around several corners and sped down many long corridors. "You can put me down any time, preferably NOW," Greenbeans yelled. "Are you sure we're far enough?" "I don't care! Your paint can is digging into my hip." They rolled to a stop, and Chaos leaned over to catch his breath. "Even if they are still following us," he said, "they've got to be just as lost as we are." "I thought I threw my last paint can away," Quandry said, putting Greenbeans back on her feet. "Well, according to the mark in my side, you've got one left," she said, gingerly poking at the bruise. "Sweet! Might as well start using it." He shook it and started drawing a green Q on the wall. "Brilliant," said Chaos. "Leave a trail for them." "Oh yeah. Sorry." "Anyway, I think we're nearing a way out. I see lights on down that direction, which means it's probably part of the used section of tunnels." "Okay," said Beans, standing up. "Lead the way." The three of them continued, walking at a normal pace for once. Chaos led them into the lit area of the tunnels, obviously making random decisions about where to turn. No one said a word until Quandry decided to break the ice. "So," he said. "Hmm?" Beans looked at him. "What were you guys breaking in for?" Chibi-Sean: "To raid Xu's panty drawer!!" ^_^v [ELBOW!] "No particular reason," Beans answered calmly. Chibi-Zell: "I thought he was arrested?" Chibi-Q: "This is pre-recorded footage. Sorry." Chibi-Raijin: "Undergarments seem to be an unhealthily recurring theme here, y'know?" Chibi-Beans: "Shh!" "We just like to look around sometimes," Chaos added. "It offers us a more unique perspective of the world, one which we couldn't get otherwise." "How about you? Why are you here?" "Well, I was hanging out in Balamb about a week ago, and I saw this guy tearin' it up on a hover-board. He was really good! I asked some of the locals who he was. Turns out he's a legend around town, goes by the name of Zell. Someone said he was attending the Garden, so I thought I'd go in and meet him. Get his autograph and such." "Let me guess. You found out as quickly as we did that just 'walking in' is much easier said than done?" "Bingo. The guy at the gate said I couldn't get inside without a pass. When I asked him where to get a pass, he said, 'Inside.'" "How convenient." Chaos smirked. "Yeah, I thought so." "I almost got a pass once," Beans said. "You did?" "Yeah, almost, but you wouldn't believe the paperwork involved! They didn't get back to me for weeks, and when they finally did, they said they'd only consider giving me a pass if I was the last visitor on the planet." "Oh yeah, that was a fine situation!" Chaos said with a laugh. "It took the cadets 25 minutes to diffuse the bomb she built, and 30 minutes for me to convince her that blowing up large groups of people wasn't going to earn her any more sympathy from the Garden staff." "You were going to blow up Balamb!?" "What? They said I had to be the last! I had to start somewhere..." "Whoah... and you people think I have issues just because I wear bear ears?" "Just forget about it. I'm still bitter." "You call that bitter? I call that postal!" Chaos laughed again. "Are you sure about this?" Lucus asked. Lars nodded and opened the door of another maintenance closet. Sara stepped in and tried to turn the lights on, but they didn't work. "Are there ANY maintenance closets with ANY working lights ANYWHERE!?" she spat, frustrated. She kicked her foot up, and it connected firmly with an aluminum pail that she couldn't see. It flew across the room, smashed into a wall, and continued to clang about for much longer than it should have. The clanging sound became deep and hollow and loud, and started to echo. Finally the paaaaaaaaail rattled to a stop somewhere beneath them. "Another entrance to the tunnels," said Lucus. He and Lars entered the room, and another clanganging sound begaaaan as the metal pipe holding the hatch open fell down into the tunnels. The hatch slammed shut and blew a cloud of dust into the room. Lars coughed. "I never thought I'd saaaaay thiiiiiiis, but now I wish you weren't on the soccer team," Lucus commented. "It wasn't my fault. How would I know there was a buck-ck-ck-cket there?" "So, Lars, you think this is where he's goooiiing to come out of the tuuuunnnnnnnnelllllls?" Luucuus aasked. Lars sneeeeeezed and then noddddddded. "Okay thennnnn. I gueeeeeesssss weeeeeeeee waaaaiitt heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrree...." **** [Screen goes white] Announcer A: "We have had some technical problem. Please stand by." Chibi-Q: "Xu! What's going on up there!" Fujin: "INTERMISSION." Chibi-Xu: "The projector overheated and melted the reel! Luckily, I have an extra." Chibi-Q: "What about the rest of that scene?" Chibi-Xu: "Don't worry! I have a replacement reel. The content is a little different, but it progresses the plot sufficiently." *rubs hands together* Fujin: "PLOT?" Chibi-Q: "Huh? What does she mean 'a little different?'" Announcer B: "wwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeee noooow return you to the regularly scheduled Omake, already in progress." [Screen goes pink] Chibi-Q: "AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" *averts eyes* "Death, quick, call the authorities!" Chibi-Death: *cell-phone pressed against his skull* "Already on it!" *Purple hearts start bubbling up from the pink, and cheesy 70's music starts playing* Chibi-Sean: "Woohoo! I know a porn title screen when I see one!" WELCOME to Xu's Pretty Valentine Omake Spectacular! Chibi-Sean: "Oooh!" [Screen lifts up to reveal the stage with several characters dressed in pink tights and purple heart-shaped halter tops.] A bunny-eared character in the center shouts: "Special Live-Action Remix! I'll be playing the part of Xu." Chibi-Zell: *spews out a mouthful of popcorn* "Dr. Kadowaki!??" Bunny Kadowaki: "Hit it, Enju!" [Enju, wearing sunglasses and HUGE headphones, starts scratching records on the turntables, and the 70's music fades into bad valentine techno. The stage characters start to dance in very provocative ways. Another bunny-eared character suddenly bursts onto the stage.] Chibi-Xu: "Hold it! If anyone's going to be playing Xu's part in a live-action remix, it's me!" Chibi-Kadowaki: "Says who!?" Chibi-Xu: "Says Xu!" Chibi-Kadowaki: "Huh? Me?" Chibi-Xu: "No, Xu!" *points at her nose* Chibi-Kadowaki: "....are you calling me fat?" Chibi-Xu: "Xu dang right I am!" [Sirens blare, and a clown-car with police lights drives onto the stage. Three tall men in black suits and bad Oakleys jump out.] OCC Official A: "Are you the characters known as Xu and Kadowaki from Final Fantasy VIII?" Xu & Kadowaki: "Yes...?" OCC Official A: *flashes badge* "This omake is in clear violation of OCC Rules! You are hereby ordered to comply with Article IV, section one, Subpart J, paragraph five, on page three hundred and seventy two of the Omake Conduct Code, which calls for the unconditional removal of any and all objects of a rouge, blushed, or pastel vermilion visual nature, with the exception of facial representations of embarrassment. Such objects shall be removed from the campus area of the garden, or from the immediate periphery of the audience, whichever is greater, and are to be burned in an OCC approved furnace, the requirements for which are listed in OCC Article II, section fo--" Chibi-Xu: "Hold it, hold it! Slow down there, Skippy." Chibi-Kadowaki: "Yeah, how's that in English?" OCC Official B: "Remove your pink and surrender it to us immediately." Xu & Kadowaki: "WHAT!?" Chibi-Sean: "Woohoo! Yeah baby, take it ALL off!" OCC Official B: "If you don't comply, we'll have to take you in." Chibi-Xu: "Ain't nobody taking off no clothes up in this place, beeeya--" OCC Official A: *handcuffs Xu and Kadowaki* "Very well then. I'll have to ask you to come with us." Chibi-Sean: "Bondage too? This is the BEST valentines special EVER!!!!!!!!" OCC Official C: "Are you the character known as Sean?" Chibi-Sean: "Huh? Depends who's askin'!" OCC Official C: "Sean, alias 'Chibi-Sean,' alias 'Hot Lingerie Avenger,' who is from absolutely no video game or self-respecting fanfic whatsoever?" Chi-Beans: "Hey...!" Chibi-Sean: "Okay, okay, that's me. What do you want?" OCC Official C: *slaps cuffs on him* "I'm placing you under arrest for violation of Article VII, section two." Chibi-Sean: "Oh yeah? What subpart? What paragraph?" OCC Official C: "None specifically. You're in violation of the whole section." Fujin: "IMPRESSIVE." Chibi-Sean: "Well, you know, heh heh..." OCC Official C: "Section two clearly states that any and all characters, hereunder referred to as 'STAFF,' who exhibit qualities unbecoming of--" Chibi-Sean: "Look, just skip to the translation!" OCC Official C: "Okay, I'll be straight with you. You're a disgusting little pervert and we're going to burn you with the rest of the pink stuff." Chibi-Xu: "Yaaay!" *tries to clap, but finds it hard with the handcuffs on* Chibi-Sean: "Are you serious? THAT'S AWESOME!!! I'm going to die surrounded by freshly-worn panties!! This is the happiest day of my life!" *wipes away a tear* OCC Official A: *approaches Zell* "Are you the Final Fantasy VIII character known as--" Zell: "Wait a minute! I'm not wearing any pink!" OCC Official A: "We happen to know that the boxers you're wearing today explicitly depict pink flying hotdogs. I'm afraid we'll have to take you downtown, unless of course you can drop-trousers and prove otherwise." Fujin: "KINKY!" *bunch of cat-calls from the audience* Zell: "No no, wait! I have a permit for those!" *hands him a document (in triplicate) from his vest* OCC Official A: *looks it over* "Hmm. Well, everything seems to be in order here." *tears on perforated line* "The yellow copy is yours. I keep the white copy, and will of course be confiscating the pink copy." [Official B takes the pink copy with a pair of barbecue tongs and a large rubber glove, and holds it away from him. Official C takes aim with a flame-thrower and incinerates it.] OCC Official C: "Clear!" OCC Official A: "Clear!" OCC Official B: *nods* "Okay. Thank you all for your cooperation. Please view the remainder of your Omake safely, and have a nice day." [The OCC Officials stuff their perpetrators into the clown car and drive off.] Chibi-Zell: "Phew... that was close." Chi-Beans: "Quandry, aren't you going to do something? They're going to kill him!" Chibi-Q: "What's the big deal? You killed him off once already." Chi-Beans: "That was in a fanfic! This is real life!" [awkward silence] Chibi-Q: "Don't worry, he's in no danger. Remember what we learned in Omake 4? Valentines day is the one day of the year nobody dies. Death is too afraid to visit because the planet is inundated with pink abominations." Chi-Beans: "Oh... oh yeah. You have a point." Chibi-Q: "Besides, those guys were just the Announcers dressed in suits." *snicker* Chi-Beans: "I thought their voices sounded familiar. But now that Xu's gone, who's going to play the movie?" Chibi-Q: "I've got the perfect GF for that." Chi-Beans: "....you have a GF?" Chibi-Q: "Six, actually. Mike, Joel, Tom, Crow, Gypsy, and of course... " *summons* "Cam-bot!!" Chi-Beans: *grabs Quandry by the collar* "Where did you get so many stupid guardian forces!" Chibi-Q: "They're not stupid! Just you wait until I get my 7th one, Magic Voice! She's in the Omega Ruins of FFX, so you KNOW she'll be able to do lots of damage!" Chi-Beans: "Oh, yeah! Mental damage, maybe, to YOU!" Chibi-Q: "Shh! We've got movie sign!" [Cam-bot rolls the film] **** "Did you hear something?" asked Chaos. "Nope," said Quandry, bopping his head. "I'm immune to such inconveniences. I have an MP3 player." "That's great for you," said Beans, poking him in the ribs, "but paying attention to what's going on might help us not to get caught." "Sorry." He took off his headphones. "What are you listening to, anyway?" "Oh, you know, just some carefully selected JPop favorites. I used to get Jet Set Radio, but for some reason my reception went bad when I got here. Usually my bear-ears can pick up anything." "It's because of the interference," Chaos explained. "Interference?" "Yep, interference. You're in FF8 now. Radio signals don't work." "I see. Well, that's why I always have this RCA Lyra for backup." "Whatever. Let's try to keep moving," Beans suggested. Chibi-Rijin: "That's shameless product placement, y'know!" After wandering around for about another hour, the group came to a glass door marked 'Tech Room.' The three of them discussed what to do, noting that if anyone was on the other side of the door looking out, they'd surely be spotted if they walked by. Quandry suggested using the reflective surface on the back of his watch to peek inside the room, and for the lack of any other options, Chaos and Greenbeans agreed. "What do you see?" "Nothing yet. There's a glare." "Hold it lower. And don't stick your hand out too far!" "Relax! I think I see something. Okay, there's a desk, and I think that's a computer... whoah, somebody's there!" "Did they see you?" "No. His back is to the door, and he's doing something on the computer." "Is he wearing a cadet uniform?" "Is he armed?" "No, and kind of. He's wearing tattered black robes, and he seems to be holding a big stick with this pointy... sort of a... hey wait a minute." "What?" asked Chaos. "Pointy?" asked Beans. "Hey, I know that guy!!" "Keep it down!" Quandry stood up and positioned himself in front of the door, pushing his face against the glass. "What the hell are you doing!?" He knocked on the window, and the man in the black robes turned around. "Whaddap, home-dawwwg!" Quandry shouted, flashing a GiGi's gang sign. Chaos and Beans leaned to see through the window, just in time to watch a horrified look of recognition explode onto the pale -- and exposed -- skull of the man behind the glass door. Spotting the two additional onlookers, Death quickly morphed into a rather peaked and unconvincingly living member of the garden technical staff. "Uh... friend of yours?" Chaos asked. "I'm still not talking to you!" Death yelled. He stormed over to the door and pulled a cord that lowered a set of closed blinds over the glass. "Guess not." "Pointy...?" Beans asked again. "Aw c'mon, man! Why you gotta play me like that?" Quandry called through the door. There was no response. "You should be thankin' me! You're old job was obviously stressin' you out hardcore." A fist pounded the blinds against the glass with a metallic thud. "I don't think he's very happy with you," Chaos conjectured. "Nah, he's just a little uptight." "Look, I'm not fluent in obscene gestures from other cultures, but I'm pretty sure that bony finger he flipped at you is universal sign language for 'go away.'" "I have an idea," said Beans. "Step aside." She got up to stand in front of the door, and knocked. "Hey in there! We just want to know how to get out. We want to leave, and we promise we'll take Quandry with us! Okay? We're all leaving. Please help us leave." No response. "Hmm, nice plan, but he probably put headphones on after Quandry wouldn't shut up." The door opened and Death stepped out, wearing a huge smile. "Leave? Why didn't you say so! I'd be more than happy to help. Let's get started, shall we?" "Whoah, that's... suddenly very nice of you," Chaos said, and then spoke aside to Beans. "Nice going." "I've got some maintenance to do on some cable in this direction anyway," he replied, and led them down the long corridor. "I have to admit that my curiosity has got the better of me, though. There seems to be some bad blood between you and Quandry here... maybe there's some issues that you two should work out?" "I don't have anything to say to him," Death snapped. "Oh quit being a baby!" groaned Quandry. "You and me go way back, and you're acting like it was nothing." "Nothing!? Oh no, let me assure you, it wasn't nothing!" Death stopped and spun around to face Quandry. "Do you have any idea what a pain this new friend of yours is, Mr. Chaos?" "Well, yeah actually, we've developed some idea thus far..." "Let me tell you just how much! Do you know what I used to do for a living?" "You're death, aren't you? You kill people?" "That's right! I killed people! And this ignorant little bastard was next on my list the day I lost that job!" "You mean you don't kill people anymore?" "Not unless provoked!!" He leaned in closer to Quandry, who was glaring at the wall beside him. "No, I mean, like... what happens now when people die?" "The position was filled, naturally, but I was replaced by some quack from a temp agency!!!" Beans wrinkled her eyebrows. "There are temp agencies in the afterlife?" "And don't talk to ME about STRESS, kiddo!" Death was yelling more at Quandry now than telling a story. "I had it easy compared to this! Tech support is the FIRST level of hell! I just got off the phone with an idiot you wouldn't believe!" "I don't want to hear it, really, I've done tech support." "I DON'T CARE! You ain't heard nothin'! This chick calls me whining about how she can't update her webpage when she obviously doesn't even know how to, and then she has the nerve to blame it on me! 'The network is down,' she says. I say go read a manual before you come whining to me about stuff you know nothing about!!" Death's disguise wore off in his anger, and he morphed back into a black-robed skeleton. "Calm down, big guy, we feel for you, really." Chaos started to set a comforting hand on his shoulder, but Greenbeans stopped him and shook her head. He realized then that it might not be a good idea to touch Death, after all. "I had it easy when I was the taker of souls! Now there are support levels, and customer service matrices, and metrics to be met, and all kinds of stupid people's questions to be answered! I'D MUCH RATHER JUST BE KILLING THEM!" "Yeah? Well, me too! Look, I'm sorry I lost you your old job, really I am, but think about it. Didn't just as many people have just as many stupid questions when they died?" Quandry said. "Yeah, but...!" "And didn't you always dread having to answer them all, and having to put up with them for the entire trip down the river Styx? I mean tell me -- look me in the EYE and tell me -- that you never wished your ferry had an 800 horse-power outboard engine so that you could get your customers the hell off your boat as soon as possible. Tell me that!" "Yeah, but..." "SEE? See? Every job has stress, that's all I'm saying. So quit whining about how you had some dream job and I lost it for you, okay?" There was a very long, very unsettling silence that followed this shouting match. Longer and more uncomfortable than any ever written. Really! Then, Death breathed a heavy sigh. "You're right. I'm sorry for blaming you for everything." "I'm sorry for ignoring you when you wanted to kill me." "Aww, come over here you big lug!" The two of them embraced, sniffling. "I think I feel sick," Chaos said, holding his stomach and his mouth. "I will be disturbed for the rest of my life. I'm watching a skeleton with a sickle hug a skater punk with bear ears. Is this Halloween or Valentine's day?" Beans asked. "Both, I guess," Chaos said. "Well... uh... we really must be going." "Of course, of course, I won't keep you," Death said. "Listen, here's what you do. See the ethernet cables running above us? Follow them until the yellow and the blue split, and then follow the blue. You'll be turning right, it's the second intersection, you can't miss it. The blues will split into three separate bundles. Follow the bundle marked 3x8fy2x, and not the ones marked 3x8y2fx or 3x8yf2x, because those are the ones that are still working. As long as you don't open the hatches near them, the alarm won't sound. With me so far?" "Uh..." "I'll be working on 3x8yf2x and 3x8y2fx before 3x8fy2x, so you'll have about five minutes. Should be plenty." "Uh..." "Thanks man, we appreciate it," Quandry said, shaking his hand. "Anything for my homie," he said with a smile, and headed down the tunnel. Greenbeans scratched her head. "Most people would be catatonic after witnessing something that odd." "Anything can happen in the written world, I guess. Hey, did you get those instructions he just said?" "Not really." "Fabulous. Well, here are the cables, so I guess we just follow these this way." "Okay.... oh! There's where they split. The blue goes that way." They walked along, staring at the ceiling, looking for labels. "Here it is," Chaos said, squinting. "3x8y2xf. I think this is the one he said to follow." "I think so too, except that one doesn't say 3x8y2xf. It says 3x8x2fx." "No it doesn't! Besides, he never said there were any labels without y's." "Are you sure? It looks pretty clear to me, and I have my glasses on." "Well so do I." "What about this one? It says 3x8fy2x. Was that it?" "No, no I'm sure it was 3x8y2xf. It must be this one." "Wait, why?" "Process of illumination!" "Elimination." "That's what I said! Look, you said that one said 3x8x2fx, and that one says 3x8fy2x. Neither of those were right, so it must be this one." "Are you sure? You said yourself that you didn't understand the instructions." "I never said that, I just asked you whether you got them, just in case I--" "Hold on a second. Where's Quandry?" No sooner had Greenbeans asked than the two of them heard the loud metal squealing sound of a hatch opening. They looked behind them and saw Quandry gesturing from the top of a ladder. "I found a hatch, guys! C'mon over." Naturally, an alarm sounded, and some red lights began flashing around them. They watched in shock as Quandry was suddenly pulled up through the hatch by an unseen force. "Hey!" "Give him back!" They ran up the ladder, and were similarly pulled from the hatch by a very large, very strong man in a pristine cadet uniform. Lars smiled as he set them down next to Quandry. "Sara, you can disable the alarm. I think we've got everything under control," Lucus said. Sara went to a panel in the hallway, and the noises and lights soon stopped. "So! Looks like a three-for-one deal, eh Lars?" Lars nodded and folded his monstrous arms. "Score," Sara agreed. "Please don't kill us with pointy things!" Greenbeans squealed. Lucus laughed. "Mr. Quandry, you don't want to get mixed up with these two. They're trouble. They're authors!" "But..." Chaos started, stopping for the elbow in his ribs. "They're friends of mine just the same," Quandry said. "Look, all we want to do is get out of here. I promise I won't paint anything else if you'll just show us to the door and let us go." "That would be easy, wouldn't it?" Lucus said with a grin. "However, we--" "Lucus?" Sara asked. "Yeah?" "May I have a word with you in the hallway for just a second?" "I... uh... okay. Lars?" Lars nodded again, and stood in front of the doorway as Sara and Lucus stepped outside. "I've noticed, uh..." Chaos began. "That you're rather uh... big. Like, in a large sort of big way." Lars raised an eyebrow. "Not that I'm saying you're overweight or anything! I mean, muscle weighs more than fat, so even if you were overweight, its not to say that you're obese like... you know... uh..." "Your mom?" Greenbeans asked. "Yeah. I mean... hey! Who's side are you on?" "My side! Why don't you do us a favor and shut up before he flattens us into pieces of gil?" she shot back. Lars rolled his eyes. "We've come to a decision," Lucus said, re-entering the room. "We're going to let you out, in trade for a little favor, so we'll have to make a quick stop along the way." "What kind of a favor?" Chaos asked. "Does it matter? It's not like we were giving you a choice," Sara answered, and turned to Lucus. "We'll take the back way. There are less likely to be Shumi, or any inquisitive guards." "Good idea. Lars, help our new friends up, if you would." The very big man picked up Chaos and Greenbeans with ease. Quandry helped himself up, and Lucus offered for him to lead the way out of the room. The six of them walked for several minutes, traversing many hallways and climbing many sets of stairs before they came to a rest. "This has been quite a work-out and all, but we really should be going," Quandry mentioned. "Nonsense," said Sara. "I think you have time to stay just long enough to do us one little favor. But first, um..." "What?" "Can I have your autograph?" "Ex-kyoooz me?" "Us too," said Lucus, handing Quandry two small notepads. Lars nodded expectantly with a strange smile. Sara produced a pen and put it into his hand. "Umm... and I'm doing this why?" he asked while signing. "We're trepies too!" "Yeah! We saw you kissing Quistis earlier!" Sara punched his shoulder. "Shut up!" "Well he was! Weren't you?" "Umm... I'm pretty sure I would have been aware of it if Quistis and I kissed. We were just talking." "Are you sure?" "Relatively sure, yes, given that I was there when we weren't kissing." "Told you!" Sara said smugly. "Here you go." Quandry handed back the autographs. "Awesome! Now, if you could do just one more little thing, you can be on your way." "Okay, what?" The six of them stopped in front of a door, and Sara smiled at him as she hit the button to open it. "Xu, Quistis," Sam said, "Kaede and I have found some information on the intruder, this 'Quandry' person." "Good. What do you have?" Xu asked. "We cross-referenced what we found with existing files for Chaos, Corvus, Greenbeans, and Nightbreak. None of them match, so we've confirmed Quistis' assessment and have created a new file for him." "Okay. What else?" "Well, his biological stats are typical," Kae said, reading from the screen. "His weight is around 83.25 kilograms, height approximately 186 centimeters. His Blood type is as yet unknown; one of the teams found some of his blood in a hallway near the dorms. Test results from the lab are... inconclusive." "What do you mean?" "Well, either somebody spilled soda, or this guy's blood type is Caffeine Positive." "Well, that certainly explains the eccentric behavior. Is there any conclusive evidence over whether he's local or external?" "That's the disturbing part," Sam said. "Behavior patterns suggested a local trepie, but it turns out that... well..." "He's an author," Quistis suggested. "Yes. We found a couple of small fanfics, some essays, and a few short omakes." "I knew it." "How could you tell?" Xu asked. "There was just a way about him that... made me feel... like he was an author." "Hmm. Well, at least that authorizes the use of extreme force. Is there more?" "Other than a strange list of interests, hobbies, and musical tastes, no. Nothing relevant." "Good enough, we have what we need. Well done, you two. Kae, contact Teams 9 and 5; tell them to return to PHQ. Sam, check the status of the teams blocking the southern tunnel entrances, and then continue monitoring." "All we can do now is wait," breathed Quistis. "True, but we need only spot him again." She went over to the weapons chest, pulled out an MP5, and worked the action. "Once his position is known, decisive action will be taken." "I don't think I've ever seen anything sexier in my life," Sam whispered to Kae. Instead of giving him another elbow, she couldn't help but giggle. "Did you find out what the cause of the alarm was on South hatch five?" Quistis asked. "Oh, ahem, uh, yes. Sara from the PHQ team reported in, and said it was her. She accidentally kicked a pail and caused the hatch to slam shut, or something. She, Lars, and Lucus are on their way up, so I'm sure she'll have more details." "Very good." The door to the classroom opened. "Would you be so kind as to introduce us to Quistis?" Sara asked. Quistis turned, and her eyes widened at what she saw. As Quandry realized what he was looking at, his eyes widened in a similar fashion. Before another word was spoken, or even another breath was taken, the brief silence was shattered with explosive noise, as Xu riddled a three-round burst of bullets into the doorframe next to Quandry's head. Everyone then turned to look at her. She was breathing heavily and was as red as a bomb in a fire cavern. "Not good!" shouted Quandry, Greenbeans, and Chaos, all at the same time. Lars, not unaffected by having live ammunition fired in his general direction, had dropped Chaos and Greenbeans. Taking advantage of the moment, Chaos ran. Greenbeans grabbed Quandry, who was apparently too shocked to move himself, and ran as well. "GET THEM!!!!" Screamed Xu at the top of her decibel range, and made sure to be the first one out the door after them, never mind that she leaped over two desks and knocked down three students in the process. "Which way?" Chaos shouted over his shoulder. "Take a left and head for the elevator!" Beans called. "We're right behind you!" More bullets hit the wall behind her and Quandry, and she turned to see Xu in very close pursuit. "Crap!" Quandry shouted, and jumped down to his feet. He picked up Greenbeans, and kicked in his rocket skates. "Chaos! Use your skates!" He yelled. They turned the corner and the elevator was in sight across the short bridge. "Down to the first floor," Beans called, "and the front door is a straight shot from there." A bell rang, and the doors of the elevator opened. "Uh oh." Team 9 was shocked to see people skating toward them, to say the least, but they recognized the intruders nonetheless. Taking positions at either side of the elevator, they aimed their weapons and began to open fire. "GUARDRAIL!" Quandry screamed, and he and Chaos jumped onto the banister of the bridge to grind along it. The bullets from the cadets in the elevator trailed directly behind their heels. The pole quickly came to an end, and Chaos' only option was to jump onto a guy-line that stretched from the elevator shaft to somewhere on the second floor. He jumped and managed to stay balanced on the wire, and quickly realized it wouldn't be strong enough to hold all of them once Quandry jumped on with Beans. But just as Quandry's skates left the guardrail of the elevator bridge, an eyebolt on the opposite end of the guy-line broke from the wall and dropped the wire to the ground. Chaos, Quandry, and Greenbeans each fell to the unforgiving concrete beneath them. "Owwww..." said Beans. "Are you okay?" Chaos asked, quickly stumbling to his feet. He had landed mostly on a bush. "Yeah," she said. "A bear broke my fall." Quandry waved and tried to smile while attempting to stand again. "Look! There's our way out!" They had made it to the first floor, though not the way they expected. There, directly in front of them, was the front entrance to the garden. They could even see some of the stars shining in the night sky outside. "There they are!! Open fire!" Xu yelled, who was followed by Quistis, as they and several guards ran out of the elevator and down the steps toward the intruders. "No time to waste!" Chaos said. He grabbed one of Greenbeans' arms, Quandry grabbed the other, and they lifted her off the ground as their turbo skates fired. They flew through the guard station and woke the guard inside in a rather rude fashion. "Head toward the right, away from the parking lot!" Beans yelled. "The transition point where we can leave is just down the road." Selphie and an army of cadets appeared from the parking garage and set up a rather large cannon on the sidewalk not far in front of them. "Not good! Not good!" Quandry yelled. A cadet positioned himself behind the cannon, and with a flash of light, a chunk of concrete exploded in front of the three authors, knocking them all onto their backs. "Nice shot!" Selphie shouted. "Re-align and fire again once it's cooled." On the other side, Xu and Quistis had emerged with their cadets from the front of the Garden. "We got'em!" Xu yelled excitedly, seeing the three lying on the ground. "Let me see your rifle," Quistis said to the cadet next to her. It was Sam, who readily handed it over. She took it and aimed, looking through the scope "One's moving. They're still alive," she said. Xu immediately opened fire, and all of the other cadets started to fire as well. "We're going to get caught in a crossfire," Chaos said. "Best if we stay as low as possible. There's enough distance between them and us that we might be lucky. If we crawl towards that wall, there's a chance we could inch our way out of here." Bullets sparked the concrete around them, and the heat from another blast of the laser cannon swept over their heads and rolled them over a few times as it exploded on the ground behind them. "They really are trying to kill us!" Beans moaned. Zell woke from his nap next to where there had just been an explosion, and was quite disturbed to find part of his shirt on fire. "AAAAH!!!" he yelled, swatting at the flames, and standing. "Oh great. CEASE FIRE!!!" Quistis yelled, seeing Zell through her scope. "CEASE FIRE! ALL CADETS CEASE FIRE!" "CEASE FIRE!" Xu yelled as well. "Quistis, you're going to have to do it. We can't risk hitting Zell." She stood quietly, still aiming the rifle. "Quistis!" "I know." "Zell, get out of the way!!" Xu called. He didn't seem to hear her. "Zell!" Quandry yelled. Chaos and Greenbeans looked behind them, and saw Quandry standing and running toward the wall where Zell stood. "Quandry, what are you doing!" Beans screamed. "GET DOWN!" "Zell!" he repeated, continuing to run, and then skate, toward Zell. Zell looked up, having just put the flames out, to see the strangest person skating toward him. "Am I still asleep or what?" He asked. "No shot! He's moving toward Zell," the cadet on the cannon announced to Selphie. "Stand down, cadet," she confirmed. "It's out of our hands until the target moves away." "Quistis??" "I know." "Zell! I've been dying to meet you!" "QUISTIS!" "I KNOW!!" A single shot cracked the air. Zell stood and scratched his head as the bear boy in front of him collapsed at his feet. "NO! Quandry!" Beans yelled, jumping up to run after him. Chaos reached out to stop her, but missed. He got up and ran after her as well. "Are you okay?" She asked, kneeling next to Quandry. "Say something!" "Ask him if he has a pen," he said. "I forgot to bring one." "A pen?" Zell scratched his head some more. They helped Quandry stand up, and found that one of his skates had been shot to make him fall. "He wants your autograph," Chaos explained, catching up. "Please don't ask me to explain." "What exactly is going on here!?" Zell asked. "What did I just say?" "Chaos, help me carry him. We have to get out of here!" Xu grabbed the rifle from Quistis' hands. "You want to tell me exactly what that was about?" "Not really." "TOO BAD! Explain yourself!" "I missed." "BULL! You don't MISS. Not since the Irvine thing." Quistis offered no further explanation, despite Xu's glare. With a grunt, Xu turned away and aimed the rifle herself. "If we don't do this, they'll keep coming back," she said. "Wait! Who are you people?" Zell asked. "I'm Quandry. I'd shake hands, but I'm being dragged." "Zell! Get out of the way!" this time he heard Xu's voice, faintly. "I'm going to be confused for months, I just know it," he said, grabbing his hoverboard and flying into the garden. "He's almost out of the way, and I have a shot!" The cadet called to Selphie. In his sights, he could see two of them helping the bear-eared one over the short wall. "Wait until Zell is out of blast range, and fire." "There we go," said Xu. "Steady now..." She watched through the scope as Zell hovered away from the intruders, revealing a perfect shot of Quandry, who was on top of the wall. She aimed between his ears and pulled the trigger. Instantly, she saw the entire section of wall explode in a burst of heat and concrete dust. "What the...?" "Can you confirm a hit?" Selphie asked. "Uncertain," the cadet announced. "I can't see anything clearly until the dust clears. "Forget it," she said. "You, you, and you, go and investigate. Be careful!" Three cadets ran across the front area of the garden, signaling a cease-fire to the ones positioned in front of the guard station. "Go assist them," Quistis said to the three cadets next to her. Lucus, Lars, and Sara saluted and ran after them. She took the rifle from Xu and handed it back to Sam. Zell skated in next to them and jumped off of his board, suddenly realizing the scale of the operation around him. "I'm going to need some answers," he said. "Maybe even some therapy. What in the world happened here?" Quistis stood silently, watching six cadets disappear into the smoke of a broken wall. Xu started at her, trembling and furious. "Great. You, cadet, what happened?" "Um... intruders, sir," Sam responded. He added a shrug as if to apologize for not being able to elaborate. Zell shook his head. "I don't see anything," Sara said. "Me either," Lucus agreed. "Lars?" "They're gone," he said. "Clear!" shouted a cadet from the other group. "Clear!" Lars boomed back. "It doesn't sound like they found them," Sam said. "Could they have been disintegrated?" Quistis continued to stand still. Xu continued to stare at her, but answered. "No. No, of course not. They've escaped." "Should... um, should I go and report to Cid?" "Don't bother," she said, and with that walked away. "You really don't miss, do you?" He asked Quistis. She looked at him then, just for a few seconds, and walked away as well. "Sometimes I just don't get this place," he told himself. "Cadets, pack up and fall in for de-briefing!" "He's bleeding a lot," Greenbeans said. "I can't handle this." "Then quit looking at it," Quandry replied, squeezing at his knee. "It doesn't hurt as bad as it looks. It's the headache from the blast that's killing me. "Landing on your head will do that to you," said Chaos. "At least the bullet went all the way through your leg." "What are you, a doctor?" "No, I just see that there's a hole on both sides." Beans turned her head and vomited. "Oops... sorry Greenbeans." "Are they still looking for us?" Chaos peaked his head over the bush and saw the cadets returning to the Garden. "No, it doesn't look like they realize we'd been thrown this far by the blast." "Lucky. That's my secret weapon, you know. I'm convinced I'm the luckiest bear alive." "You're not a bear," Beans said, wiping her mouth. "You're a chibi." She leaned over and hugged him. "And I suppose you're a bean?" he asked. "What does that make me?" "Oh, you'll always be a fanboy, I'm sure." "So, how much further until this transition point?" "Oh, probably a hundred feet that way," Beans pointed. "A hundred painful feet. Well this should be fun." "Speak for yourself, punk. We're the ones who have to carry you!" Chaos complained. "And we're a lot smaller than you, in case you haven't noticed!" "Okay, okay, I promise I'll carry you all the time when I get better, if it means that much to you." "Whatever. Hey, how'd you like my moves on that bridge there? You never told me if I get to be in your skater gang or not." "That was pretty l33t. You can run with the GiGi's any time." "Sw33t! It still amazes me how we managed not to get shot, though." "Oh it's not that amazing. Ever play Jet Grind Radio?" "No, why?" "Because everyone knows you can't get hit by bullets while you're grinding on a rail." "But that's in an entirely different video game. How would that rule work here?" "Good point. Have it your way, then. You could have been shot to Swiss cheese. Happy now?" "Not until we get home! Beans, grab an arm, let's drag this freak out of here." "Wait a minute, we have to go back. I still haven't got Zell's autograph!" "Fine, we'll leave you here!" said Beans. "Send me a postcard from the Alcauld plains, let me know if they bury you in a nice coffin." "Hmm. I seem to have suddenly changed my mind." They laughed. Red-mantle wipe! *** [Credits roll, and the house-lights go up to reveal an empty theater except for Quandry and Greenbeans.] Chi-Beans: "Huh? Where'd everybody go?" [Someone taps her shoulder] Chibi-Haruto: "Has anyone seen a little red badge around here anywhere?" Chibi-Q: [whistles] [Steve the Slingshot prances on stage] Steve: "Steve's Valentine Message: Love is an immaculate beam of warm fuzzy energy!" Chi-Beans: "What the heck? I'm confused. What's going on here? Who are these people?" Chibi-Q: "Uh, well you see, none of the characters from the fic agreed to help me anymore... ever, actually... so I've had to hire a few extras at the last moment." Toilet-Hanako: "Where's the bathroom in this place?" Chi-Beans: "And what made you decide to bring in cameos from Haunted Junction?" Chibi-Q: "It seemed like the best option; the characters from Haunted Junction will do anything! Once I had that figured out, I called up the folks from Golden Boy and Ping-Pong Club, and wrote a new 'educational' ending. Cam-bot's loading the reel right now." Chi-Beans: "Educational? Oh no you don't!" Chibi-Q: "But it's a big production, you'll love--" Chi-Beans: "No! Not on my website, buster." Chibi-Q: "Oh right, I forgot... this place is perfectly clean." Chi-Beans: *glare* Chibi-Q: *glare back* The end.