{PART I} [Cue twelve tonberries, juggling their knives between eachother!] [....] [???] [....] [I said cue the tonberries!!!] Chibi-Xu: [peeking around the curtain] "Ano... they aren't coming out." Chibi-Quandry: Why not? Chibi-Xu: "They're, uh... scared of the knives." Chibi-Quandry: Well the omake's about to start! CUE SOMETHING!! Chibi-Xu: "Riiiiight..." [....] Something: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!" [Something dances accross the screen, performing some amazing trick that's fun to view. Really it is! See how amazed you are? Say "Wow!"] [SAY IT!] Chibi-Quandry: "Xu--" [I don't hear you saying it!!] Chibi-Quandry: "Xu! That's enough, thank you!" [I DON'T HEA-- oh, okay.] Chibi-Quandry: "Now come out of the brackets and get ready for your opening dialogue with Sean!" Chibi-Xu: *ahem* "Hi! Welcome to anoth--" Chibi-Quandry: "Not yet!! You have to wait for the titles to roll!" Chibi-Sean: "Can we start over?" Sowing the SeeDs: OMAKE THEATRE 5!!! Chibi-Quandry: "Gyaaah! This is number six! Who forgot to change the sign?" Chibi-Greenbeans: "Maybe letting you direct this one wasn't such a great idea..." Chibi-Quandry: "Hey, blame Chaos! He was the last one to use the stage! I can't be hel--" Chibi-Xu: [Deliberately interrupting] "Hi! Welcome to another edition of Omake Theatre!" Chibi-Sean: "Today we have the misfortune of presenting another omake done by Quandry." Chibi-Xu: [Plastic smile] ^-^ "That's right, Sean! But it's my pleasure to tell you that this one actually has something to do with the world of Final Fantasy!" Chibi-Sean: "Really? Well! That is something!" [Oooh/Ahhh sign lights up for audience] Chibi-Xu: "Yep! So without further ado, which would make this steaming pile of text take much longer to read than any omake should, let's get started!" Chibi-Quandry: "Wait, guys! Don't they need some background or something?" XU & SEAN: "NO." SD-Quandry: "...okay..." ---- As a part of the new security model proposed for the garden, every night one of the classrooms was converted into a temporary base of operations for those on patrol. Some of the terminals were loaded with a surveilance program tied in to the garden's internal cameras and motion sensors. Others were configured for use with the central hard-line communication system, which the patrolling squads used to report in every half hour. Students would sit at these workstations, each meticulously scrutinizing their areas of responsibility for the garden. Three SeeD graduates were chosen to supervise Patrol Headquarters, or PHQ, by way of a draft system based on their ID numbers. These SeeDs were then assigned to four hour shifts by way of a simple lottery, which they would quickly become familiar with as the four most sleeplessly boring hours ever to plague their SeeD careers. "Enrichment activity my butt," Selphie scoffed. "There'd have to be some kind of activity for this to be enriching." She scored the first shift tonight, and thought she'd make use of the otherwise wasted time by updating her web page. However, there were some problems. "Aw, man!" she spat. "What's wrong?" asked the student at the terminal next to her. "Oh, just this stupid thing," she said, wiping her face impatiently with her hand. "Did G.I.T.S. schedule an outage tonight or something?" "Not that I know of. Why?" "I'm trying to update my website, but the FTP server isn't letting me in." "I'd give G.I.T.S. a call, then." "I hate talking to them," Selphie sighed. "Oh well, I guess it's the only way to find out what's going on." Resignedly she picked up the telephone and began dialing. After a few rings, a rather deep voice came on the line. "Garden Information Technology Services, may I help you?" "Hey, this is Selphie up in classroom #2." "Hi Selphie. What can I do for you?" "Well, are you guys having problems?" "Uh..... no.... we're fine, thanks. How are you?" "Fine. I mean no, that's not what I meant! I mean is the network down or something?" "The whole thing?" "Any of it!!" "No." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Then why can't I get into the FTP server!?" "Which one?" "What do you mean which one? Look, I'm trying to update my web page and I can't get in, okay?" "Ah, okay. That narrows it down to three of them. What IP address are you using?" "The same one I always use, I guess. I dunno. I haven't changed anything." "Of course not." The two of them sighed simultaneously, each certain that it was going to be a very long night. *** "Are you sure this is safe?" Greenbeans asked. "Of course it's safe," Chaos said, maneuvering the crowbar into position. "What are they going to do? We're the authors." "I just don't want to get kicked out before we even get in this time." "Trust me, it's fine. I doubt anyone has even entered this section of the garden's tunnels in years." With a forceful push on the crowbar, the hatch creaked open. "Beans before beauty," offered Chaos, extending his hand toward the opening. "Watch it buddy," she warned, shaking her finger at him as she walked past. The stale smell of old oxidized metal engulfed them as they entered. Chaos turned on a flashlight and looked around. The smell, the cobwebs, the mold on the walls, and the thick coat of dust on the floors were all signs that this area had gone unmaintained for a very long time. "By the looks of this place, maybe no one has ever been here?" he joked. "I know people always say this, but I have a strange feeling in my gut. That's all." "Relax, we're good. We should have some time to explore the place at least. I don't think they have any surveilance in this area." *** A small red light on one of the terminals began blinking. Sam, the student watching that panel, had fallen asleep. The student next to him sat playing with her kunai on the desk instead of watching her own panel, but noticed the light out of the corner of her eye. Kae dug her elbow into his side. "Ow!" he yelped, flicking his eyelids open. "Good morning sunshine," she said. "Huh? Oh crap!" Sam whispered. He looked over at Selphie, but saw that she was involved in a conversation on the telephone. He relaxed his shoulders and breathed a sigh. "Thanks," he said. "That saved me a few hours worth of lecture." "Yeah, well, you might not be so fortunate next time," she told him. "Anyway, what's that?" Kae pointed at the blinking red light. "Huh? Oh crap!" *** "Okay. Now it's asking me for a login," Selphie explained. "Good," said the technician. "Now just enter the login and password that you usually do, and you should be fine." "Argh! See? It still says Invalid Login. Are you sure there isn't something wrong with the network?" "Mam, if the network was down, you wouldn't be prompted for a login. It's more likely a problem with your passw--" "Don't you 'mam' me! I'm typing the same password I've always typed, so unless you guys changed something, it should work!" "Excuse me, Selphie?" "WHAT!?" The student stumbled back a step, startled. "Hold on for a second," she said into the phone. She pressed it against her shoulder and looked up at the student. "I'm sorry Sam. What is it?" "I think you should come look at this." Selphie breathed a short sigh and nodded. "I have to go," she said to the phone, not bothering to lift it back to her face on its way to the receiver. She followed Sam over to his panel and had a look at the screen. "Motion detector 4 is picking something up, but there's nothing on the camera," he explained. "Let me see." Selphie sat at the terminal and panned the camera around its axis. It was a camera in the Quad, near the northwest corner of the lower area. She saw a bush moving in the wind, and zoomed in on it. "There's your culprit," she said with a smirk. "I guess these things are pretty sensitive these days. They'll pick up all kinds of activity, but none of it will be interesting." She began to stand. "Selphie, wait," urged Kae, "Look!" Selphie sat back down, looked at the monitor, and caught her breath. "WHO IS THAT!?" she yelled. Every student in the room turned and looked at Selphie. *** Quandry stood up and rubbed his sore back. Falling off the rail and into a bush had given him quite a jolt. In fact it gave his Lyra quite a jolt too, since it stopped playing the MP3 he had been listening to. Climbing out of the bush, he straightened his headphones, picked a few leaves out of his bear ears, and pushed play on the Lyra. For some reason, his bear ears weren't picking up the Jet Set Radio broadcast anymore, so he was glad to have some backup tunes with him. Still a bit sore, he skated in a few circles to shake it off before continuing on his search. "Actually," he said to himself, looking at the ground, "this might be another good place to tag." He reached for the spray can on his belt. *** "What's he saying?" Kae asked. "The Quad cameras don't have audio," Sam answered. "What is he doing to my quad?" Selphie moaned. She watched as the strange fuzzy-eared figure knelt down and started spraying something directly in the center of the quad floor. "Is he writing something?" asked a nearby student. "Is there an overhead camera?" asked another. By now several of the students had come over to the workstation where Selphie sat to watch the action. The figure on the screen stood and spun a wide 360 on the floor around the marking as if to admire his work. "What did he do to my quad!?" Selphie asked again, hopping between cameras in the quad area to find a better angle. She followed as the skater rolled toward the stairway, leaped into the air, and landed on the bannister. At that moment, a blue burst of light came from each skate and propelled him along the rest of the bannister. At the top of the stairway he jumped again and continued to skate his way out of the quad. "He's headed for the hub," Kae called out. "What time is it?" Sam looked at his watch. "Fifteen minutes until next check-in," he said. "Who's on patrol in the quad right now?" "Teams four and five, according to the schedule," a student accross the room answered. Kae turned and faced the students at a workstation two rows behind her. "Hub Area, check their locations and get them on the hard-line." "Already on it," said one of them, with a phone already at his ear. "Also see if you can get a visual on the suspect, and follow him. Call out any area changes." "Got it." Kae hesitated for a moment and realized that she was kind of starting to bark out orders. Embarassment set a blush into her cheeks as she looked at Selphie, and found Selphie to be staring back up at her. "Sorry," Kae motioned with her lips. Selphie just shook her head. "Don't be. Right now, I need to see what he put on the floor, but none of these cameras have an overhead view." "I can make a team available to go take a look and call us with some information," Kae offered. "A good suggestion, but I think it's more important that all the teams stay focused on their patrols right now." "Of course," said Kae meekly. "I have an idea," Sam said. "May I?" Selphie stood and leaned over the back of the chair as Sam took his place again. She watched as he pulled up a control program for a classroom just down the hall from them. He remotely opened the shield over one of the windows, and then switched to that room's surveilance camera. All the classroom cameras were mounted on the ceiling toward the back of the room, between the windows, so he used the camera control to spin it all the way around until they could see the window he had opened. "This classroom is almost directly over the quad," he explained. "Since the cameras have a wide enough range of motion, I can point it out the window and probably see the floor of the quad if I zoom in far enough." "There's too much glare," Selphie said. "Are you sure we'll have a clear view?" "I have that covered," Sam said. He hit a few more buttons and turned off all the lights in that classroom. Much of the glare instantly disappeared. As he zoomed in, the picture became clearer, until finally they could all see what was written on the floor of the Quad. "Hmm," Sam hummed. "Well what is that supposed to mean?" "I don't know," Kae said slowly, giving it some thought. "Any clue, Selphie?" Selphie had a strangely blank look on her face as she stared at the monitor. "Selphie?" "Get Quistis." "You want me to call--" "You three," she shouted to the group standing guard by the door, "Go get Quistis." They looked at her. "Go!" They went, and Selphie returned to her workstation. Sam looked at Kae. "What was that about?" he asked. "I don't know," Kae whispered, "but Quistis has third shift tonight. I don't think she's going to be thrilled about coming in this early. Selphie still has three hours left on duty." "Then I guess it must be important, but I still don't know what this is supposed to mean." They both turned and stared at the monitor, wondering. *** Happily bopping to the music blasting through his head, Quandry glided through the main hall of the garden. He stopped occasionally to spray something as he skated, until he came upon a nice spot to try one of his new tricks. He rolled to a halt on his heels and went over the trick in his mind. "Lessee. I have to skate that way and do a 180 front-flip onto the rail to get on it facing the opposite direction." He examined the amount of 'runway' he had to do this, and nodded his satisfaction. "Okay. Then I have to kick in my boosters right away to oppose the backward momentum. Heh... that oughta pull a few G's! Assuming I keep my balance, I should successfully be able to grind on a rail in the opposite direction I landed on it. Sweet. I can do this!" He skipped to a more appropriate track on the Lyra (an orchestral piece from Total Annihilation) and skated two quick circles to gather speed. Once he was going fast enough he skated forward, parallel to the railing. He jumped, executed the front flip while turning, and positioned the center bars of his skates over the rail as he landed. Without pausing to breathe he activated the boosters to propel him along the rail. Having achieved all this, he was very proud of himself. As he grinded along the circular hallway of the garden's hub, however, he noticed two things that started to seriously throw off his concentration on balance. The first thing was that the railing he had chosen to glide along was seperating the walkway from a large pool of water in the center of the garden. The second and perhaps more urgent thing was that two armed guards were patrolling along the hall toward him. "Um, um, not good," he thought as he started to teeter on the rail. He desperately tried to teeter toward the solid floor side of his situation, but fell to the wet side instead. His left hand caught and held the rail tightly enough to keep him from getting submerged. The guards continued to approach as he dangled helplessly over the water. "So what did PHQ have to say?" one asked the other. "They said they actually spotted a possible intruder, and that we should stay extra alert." Their voices just barely reached him over the volume of his music. "'Intruder?' Was it another beast from outside?" "They weren't really clear on that, actually... they just said stay alert." "Hmm. 'Intruder,' huh? That's odd." The two of them stopped and leaned back against the railing. Quandry's hand was right between them, still tightly holding on. As he dangled and the guards talked, he had horrific fantasies of letting go and falling into the water. The splash would certainly alert them. He'd probably get shot at while trying to swim away, maybe even killed. Worse yet, his skates would probably short out when he hit the water! He closed his eyes tightly, fearing the worst, but tried to keep his focus on holding his grip and listening to the guards. "Were you out during that last one?" "Yeah actually, but my team was in the parking garage at the time. I heard it was a Caterchipiller." "Really? I thought it was just a bite bug." "Well I didn't actually see it, and you know how people like to exaggerate." "Exaggerate? Why bother? I mean, we have whole T-Rexaurs in the training area, and somebody wants to brag on a Caterchi--" "Wait, shh!" He cut him off and looked around. "What is it? "Do you hear... music?" "Music? Hmm..." He opened his ears and looked around also. Quandry clenched his teeth. He didn't dare reach for his Lyra to turn down the volume. He didn't want to move at all. "No. Are you sure?" "Hmm. Maybe it's just been a really long shift. Actually, I've had this song stuck in my head all day." They both leaned back against the rail again, but Quandry felt only slightly relieved. "Which one?" "Actually it's the theme song to an anime I've been watching." "What is it with you and saying 'actually?'" The panel accross from them beeped loudly and started flashing. "Nevermind. Must be another call from PHQ. I wonder what's up?" They walked over to the panel, and one of them picked up the handset. "Hello? ....what do you mean?" He turned and looked at his partner. "No, that's my teammate," he said with a laugh. His partner looked more confused as the conversation went on, because he could only hear half of it. "He... he is? What? .... Paint? ....um, okaaay...." *** "I've spotted the suspect," announced a student from the Hub Area workstation. "He's still in the hub, and he keeps spraying things." Selphie stood and ran over to the workstation to look. They watched him spray something on one of the computer panels, stop and think, and then start skating in circles. "What is he doing? What is his purpose?" Selphie asked. They watched as he jumped up on the rail. "Is he going swimming now?" Kae asked, having followed Sam over to watch. The same blue flash of light that they saw before came from his skates, and he slid along the rail. "Whoah, that was pretty cool," Sam said. Kae elbowed him again. "What?" "Look! There's team four!" Selphie shouted, pointing. "We've got him!" The skater fell off of the rail. "Whoops, there he goes," commented a student. "Nope! That was close though," said Kae as they watched him cling desperately to the rail. "He's a sitting duck!" Selphie laughed. "Little punk. Mess up MY quad, will you!" The team walked along calmly, and stopped to rest in front of the dangling vandal. "Hey... what are they doing!?" They stood and talked to eachother. "Did they lose him or something? What are they doing?" Impatient, Selphie reached for the handset on the panel and began to dial. She watched the guard go over to the panel, and waited for one of them to answer. "He's right behind you!!" she shouted. "...I mean the intruder! He's behind you!" Kae heard a laugh on the other end of the phone. "NO, not your teammate!" Selphie shouted back. "The intruder! ... Yes! .... Look, aren't you curious as to why there's PAINT all over that panel? .... Yes paint! Now turn around and put him into custody!" *** The guard hung up the phone and turned to look at his partner. "What is it?" he asked. "Actually, uh... she says that you're the intruder." "WHAT!?" "Do you have any paint?" "What are you TALKING about!?" "Just hand it over," he said, approaching his partner slowly. Deciding that this amusing situation would be a good distraction, Quandry reached his right hand up and started to climb back over the railing. He peeked over the top and saw that they were paying too much attention to eachother to notice him. "Now that's luck," he thought to himself, and climbed to the top of the rail. Suddenly the entire garden shook with a booming female voice that came over the intercom. "HE'S ON THE RAIL!" Selphie screamed. Cid, in his office, dropped the book he was reading and fell out of his chair. Squall was in the bathroom, washing his hands, and spilled water all over his pants when he jumped. The two guards stopped their bickering and looked directly at Quandry, who had frozen still at the top of the rail. The three looked at eachother for a moment. The Lyra skipped to "H.T" from Trigun. "GET HIM!" Selphie yelled, again over the intercom. The guards ran toward him, and the one on the left jumped to grab him. Activating his boosters again, he bursted off of the rail and jumped over the guards. The one who had dove for him quickly found nothing left in front of him to grab onto, and fell over the other side of the rail. "That was pretty stupid, actually..." he thought to himself, as he splashed belly-first into the pool below. Quandry skated as fast as he could away from the remaining guard, who got a couple of shots off from his stun gun, but missed. Quandry turned the first corner he came to, which he recognized as one of the hallways he passed through when he entered the garden. Two Shumi came arround the corner in front of him and stretched their arms out to block the hallway. "HALT!" They shouted. Quandry kicked in his boosters and ducked beneath their arms, gliding easily between them. *** Xu, who was supposed to have that night's second shift, stormed into the PHQ classroom. "What was that all about?" she demanded of Selphie. "Trust me," Selphie said. "Sam, can you bring up the picture of the Quad for Xu please?" "Not a problem." Sam turned to Xu. "Follow me?" She followed him over to his terminal and looked at what had happened to the Quad. She studied it thoughtfully for a moment, then turned back toward Selphie. "Has Quistis been notified yet?" Selphie raised an eyebrow. *** Lucus, Sara, and Lars stepped out of the elevator onto the bottom floor of the dormitory. "What should we do now?" Sara asked. "We should probably tell Selphie that Quistis wasn't in her room," said Lucus. "And then what?" She stopped and looked at Lucus. "She told us to 'go get Quistis,' and we haven't done that yet." "Yes, but do you think she wants us to waste our time wandering around, trying to find her, while there's an intruder loose in the garden?" "You heard how serious she was," Sara pointed out. "And this is Selphie we're talking about, here. Mrs. Happy-go-lucky herself. She's pretty worked up about all this. Besides, you heard over the intercom. They've probably got it under control already." Suddenly a man with bear ears riding a blue streak of lightning flew accross the intersecting hallway in front of them. Lars pointed and wrinkled his nose. "What was that?" Sara yelped. "Let's check it out," Lucus said, running to the intersection and looking around the corner. "Well?" Sara asked, catching up to him with Lars. "Shh! He's stopped, and he's looking at the wall," Lucus whispered. "What's he doing?" she whispered back. Quandry looked behind him and saw that the Shumi weren't following. He then looked at the wall next to him and smiled, reaching for his paint can. "He's spraying something," said Lucus. "Spraying what?" "Let's wait until he leaves and then check it out." When Quandry was done tagging his mark, he skated off down the hall. Lucus, Sara, and Lars immediately ran out of their hiding spot and examined the wall. Lars cocked his head to the side. "It's a big Q," said Lucus. "Oh my..." Sara began thoughtfully, "This is all starting to make sense." Lucus looked at her. "He's not an intruder, he's a Treppie!" Lars wrinkled his nose again. Lucus still looked at her. "Excuse me?" "I said he's a Treppie! You know, like us!" "He's a Treppie?" "Of course! Look, put two and two together. This is Balamb garden, and he just sprayed a Q. It's gotta stand for Quistis!" At the sound of the name, Lars smiled and softly clapped his hands a few times. "Whoah, you might be right," Lucus said. "Let's trail him and see what he does." With that, the three of them marched down the hall to follow their tagging Treppie. [To be continued...] Chibi-Xu: "Tune in next time when we hear Quistis say, 'My laundry! My precious laundry!'" Chibi-Sean: [Reading the script for the next part] "She even shakes Xu's panties at Quandry!" Chibi-Xu: "WHAT!?!?!?" Chibi-Quandry: [Snatches the script] "Hey! Gimme that." Chibi-Xu: [Approaches him with 'that look'] "Quaaanndryy...." Chibi-Quandry: "Now... calm down Xu! That was taken out of context!" Chibi-Sean: [Aside to Quandry] "Might I suggest running?" Chibi-Quandry: [Kicks in his boosters] "I wish I had read Captain Cactuar right about now...!" Chibi-Sean: [Smug grin] "If you make it out of this one, I'll lend them to you!" Chibi-Xu: [Leaping after Quandry] "Those skates won't save you now, you panty-raiding painter punk!" Chibi-Quandry: [Skating away] "Hey wait! This chase scene doesn't happen until the next part!" Chibi-Xu: "Next part? Hahahahahahaha!!! I laugh! Now get back here, I have some urgent business with your duodenum." {PART II} [Cue Bob the janitor, mopping across the stage as the curtains open] Chibi-Quandry: "Hey Bob, still hard at work?" Bob: "You don't understand, man, this stuff won't come out!" Chibi-Q: "Really? What is it?" Bob: "It's best not to ask. 'My Fair Kadowaki' was the last show on stage." Chibi-Q: "Eww... I'll take your advice." [Bob throws a mat down over the stage as Chibi-Sean approaches.] Chibi-Sean: "You know Quandry, I have to say that I've grown to like having you around." Quandry: "Really? Thanks, man! That means a lot, coming from an actual character and all. Even if you are dead." Chibi-Sean: "Really, I mean it. Granted, the exercise was good for me, but I feel I've earned some well-deserved rest from Xu chasing ME around all the time. Thanks to you, I'm out of trouble." Chibi-Xu: "Uh-uh, pal. Just because he's a freak doesn't mean you're off the hook!" Chibi-Q: "Guys, please! You start all of my omakes with an argument! What's up with that? I should pick some different characters." Chibi-Xu: "Oh really? Well maybe if you actually READ THE FANFIC, you'd know who the other characters are!?" Chibi-Sean: [ring-side announcer uniform] "Ooh... below the belt!" Chibi-Q: "Hey! I read the fanfic! Of course I read it." Chibi-Xu: "Oh yeah? Then what happened in the last part?" Chibi-Q: "You know! That one character... did that one thing... with that other character..." Chibi-Xu: "What kind of weapon do I use?" Chibi-Q: "Uh... verbal jabs? Sharp wit? Harsh language?" Chibi-Xu: "Do you even know who the authors are!?" Chibi-Q: "That's easy! Anne McCaffrey and Tom Clancy." Chibi-Sean: [Taps Quandry on shoulder] "At this point I'd normally offer you a shovel. However, I see you're already using a back-hoe to dig the hole you're in, so I'll just leave you to it, shall I?" [Inches away from the stage] [Chibi-Xu tackles Chibi-Q, and they disappear in a cloud of fighting] [Chaos and Greenbeans close the curtains on the stage] Chaos: "He's your friend, you make an excuse." Greenbeans: "Um... now for part two of Quandry's omake, 'Invasion of the Panty-Painter!" Chibi-Q: [peeks his head out of the curtain] "Hey, that's not what it's called!" Chibi-Xu: [grabs his head and pulls] "Get back in here!" Chaos & Greenbeans: [sweatdrop] *** Quandry reached the end of the hallway and skated in a small circle to stop. Approaching the door labeled 'laundry room,' he checked down the hallway for followers one more time before entering. He didn't see anyone. He took off his earphones and put them around his neck, but he didn't hear any voices or footsteps either. Satisfied, he opened the door and skated into the room. Quistis turned to look at him. "This way," said Lucus, "Quietly!" He urged Sara and Lars to follow as they pursued Quandry down the hall. Sara scampered across the floor, leaning up against the wall at each stop, while Lars simply tip-toed his large body along behind them. "He's looking again! Everybody hold still, and don't make a sound." They froze and held their breath, listening for their man to continue skating so they could follow. Instead, they heard a door open. Lucus ducked his head around the corner to see where Quandry was going. "What's he doing?" Sara asked with a poke. "He's going into the laundry room." "The laundry room? Why the laundry room?" "I have no idea. The only way out of there is back through this hallway, so we'd better decide what we're going to do when he comes--" Lars leaned toward Lucus and put a finger to his lips. Lucus and Sara looked at him. He tapped his right ear, and they all stopped to listen. "Voices," Lucus decided. "There's someone else in there with him." "No no," Sara corrected, "That's not just someone. That's Quistis. I know her voice." Lars clapped his hands softly and smiled. "Let's move up to that next corner," Sara pointed. "The door is still open so we'll have to move quietly, but maybe from there we can hear what's going on." "Okay, let's go." As he entered the room, Quandry turned to tag another small "Q" on the wall, but ran out of paint before he could finish. "Aww," he thought, "Well I guess it was time to go anyway." He tossed the paint can into a trash bin, and looked up to find that someone was watching him from right across the room. This alarmed him. He didn't know what to think as their eyes met. For an uncomfortably long moment, she just stared at him. She was standing in front of a laundry cart, her arms folded, holding in each hand a garment that was partially covered with green paint. From the looks of her gaze, she wasn't happy about something, so Quandry guessed that she probably owned the painted garments. "What the hell are you doing!?" she blurted coldly. "Whoah! Uh, nothing!" "Who are you?" "I'm... ah..." "What's your student number?" "Uh... one." "I don't think so." She walked slowly toward him. "You must be responsible for these," she said, holding her clothes out in front of him. In her right hand she held a small white (and green) frilly garment, and in her left was a larger pink (and green) vest. "What? Just because I have a can of green paint, you think I--" "Shut up." "Okay." "I want some answers. You will tell me your real student number, why you're wearing that ridiculous outfit, and why you're painting the laundry room." She grabbed one of his bear ears, pulled him in close, and whispered semi-sensually into his ear, "If you don't, I'll make you wear these clothes and hang you upside down in the dorm lobby until morning. Maybe then you'll be more forthcoming?" Quandry's eyes widened as Quistis leaned back with a smile and let go of his bear ear. She gave the smaller white garment a little shake as he eyed it askance. "I think she just gave him a kiss!" "What?" Sara tugged at Lucus' sleeve. "What happened!? What do you mean kiss??" "When I looked just now, I saw her lean in and kiss him on the cheek!" "WHAT!??" she whispered harshly. "Actually... she might have also... well, never mind." "Might have what!?" Sara grabbed him by the shirt with both hands and lifted him toward her. "Never mind NOTHING! She might have what?" "She might have... um, nib... nibbled on his ear." Sara dropped him to the floor. "Lucky bastard!" she yelled. Lars wrinkled his nose. Quistis turned her head as she heard a shout from just outside the door. Quandry took the opportunity to duck, turn to face the door, and activate his boosters. "You won't get far," she said to him quietly. She watched as his boosters propelled him directly toward the wall opposite the door. He jumped, hit the wall sideways, and skated along it to make his turn down the hallway. Quistis walked out of the laundry room to find three dumbfounded cadets leaning against the near wall, staring down the hallway at the skater who had just flown by so spectacularly. "Hi," she said. The three of them jumped and looked at her, coming away from the wall. Lucus waved shyly and looked at his feet. Sara stared with her mouth open, her jaw quivering. Lars clapped his hands softly and smiled. "Um," Sara said, mostly to get her mouth to close. "Um... um.." "That's three times now, you've mentioned that," Quistis said. "Uh," she replied instead. "Selphie sent us," Lucus finally spoke up. "She asked us to escort you to PHQ." "Yeah," said Sara. "Thank you," Quistis said, "but that won't be necessary. I'll head up there myself. You three should probably go follow him." She pointed down the hallway. "Yeah," said Sara again, still staring at her. "Yes mam, we'll do that," Lucus said, getting a hold of Sara's arm. "Won't we, Sara?" "Yeah," she said. Quandry reached the intersection he had passed before and stopped. Some Shumi and several students were crowded around each passage. He could already hear the footsteps of the three cadets he had passed coming down the hall behind him. "Halt!" shouted one of the Shumi. "You are trespassing on Garden property." "Without a permit, you are an intruder," said another one. "You shall be dealt with accordingly," said a third. Quandry wrinkled his eyebrows and put his headphones on as the surrounding guards began to approach. His Lyra played Cautionary Warning from Black Heaven. He looked around him to see which hallway had the least number of people guarding it. In front of him there were too many people to count. To his left, there were three armed cadets kneeling in front of four Shumi. On the right, there were just two Shumi and a student carrying her books behind them. The Shumi had their arms stretched out, so Quandry thought he'd try the trick he used before. Activating his boosters, he ducked, turned to the right, and flew between the two Shumi. As he emerged on the other side of them, the student spun around on her toes and smashed Quandry's face with the flat end of one her books. He fell backward from the force, but the rockets in his skates kept propelling him past her. He slid to a stop as his back hit the ground. "Get him!" someone shouted. Quandry sat up and looked behind him to see a large group of people running toward him, led by a girl wielding a book over her head. She threw it at him as he jumped up and skated away. "Are all the females at this Garden completely ruthless?" he mumbled to himself, holding a hand over his bleeding nose. "I guess he went that way," Lucus said, pointing at the large group of people running far down the hallway to their right. Sara and Lars caught up as they all finally reached the intersection. "I can't believe it!" Sara spat. "I acted like such an idiot!" "What are you talking about?" asked Lucus. "In front of Quistis! I just stood there babbling like a retard." "Oh, come on, you're exaggerating." "No I'm not." "Look, she only saw us for what, ten seconds? She's doesn't know who you are, and she's not going to recognize you the next time she sees you anyway." "How do you know that?" "Because! Look at how many people there are in this Garden. She sees hundreds of faces every day. You think she's going to remember yours after ten seconds?" "Well what if she does?" "If she does, it's not like she's going to point and laugh at you, and start making fun. This is Quistis we're talking about here. Quistis Trepe. She's too cool for that. Right?" "I guess." "Right?" "Yeah, you're right." "Good. Now let's be good little students and do what she asked. Just think of all the cool stuff this guy might know about Quistis! It's like you said, he's obviously the ultimate Trepie. He even got a kiss from her!" "Don't talk about that! I'm still jealous." "I'm sorry. Look, the point is, they clearly know each other pretty well. If we find this guy, we could ask him all kinds of questions. In fact," he paused to smile and regain eye contact from her, "We could have him introduce us." "What? I... I don't know..." "Sure! You'll have a second chance. You could even think of something to say this time, so you won't have to worry about screwing it up!" Sara smiled. "You think so?" she asked. "Yes, I think so." Lars tapped him on the shoulder. "What is it, Lars?" Lars presented a book. "Yes? What about it?" He turned it around. "It's a Deling cookbook, from the library. What about it?" Lars pointed at the blood on the corner of the cover. Lucus took it and looked at it. "Whoah. What happened?" Lars threw a thumb over his shoulder. Lucus looked around him and saw another book lying in the hallway. "You found this over there?" Lars nodded. "Okay, let's go have a look." "There's blood on the floor too," Sara said as they approached the other book. "See these little droplets? It looks like they continue down the hall." "Do you think it's his?" Lucus asked. "Could be. They chased him in the same direction. Let's follow them and see where they go." "That looks like our best option. Okay, lead the way." The blood stains on the floor trailed around a couple of corners and finally ended in front of a door labeled 'No Access.' Part of a bloody hand-print was on the panel next to the door. "What's in here?" Sara asked. "Whoever's bleeding, I guess," Lucus said, shrugging. Lars used the panel and opened the door. He tried to turn on the lights too, but only one of the bulbs was working. The three of them stepped inside and saw a few boxes stacked in one corner, a mop and a bucket in another, and a large pipe with an opened hatch coming out of the floor in the center of the room. "Access to the tunnels," Sara said. "Should we follow him?" "I don't know," Lucus said with hesitation. "We're really, really not supposed to go in there." "You just said we should do what Quistis told us to do, and that's follow him." "I know, I know. It's just that we're really really REALLY really not supposed to go in there." "Well then what do you suggest we do? Just let him get away? I don't see that we have any other options." Lars put a hand on each of their shoulders. "There are always other options," he told them. Lucus and Sara looked at him. He smiled. *** "It's been over an hour." "And?" "And we're still in these stupid tunnels!" "Chill, Beans! We're almost there, I'm sure. These areas are starting to look more maintained." "Maintained or not, we're lost, and we're wasting valuable time. Think of the things I could have been researching!" "Hey! If we hadn't come in this way, we would have been caught. You know how their patrols are now! The only thing you'd be researching then is the barrel of a gunblade aimed at your head." "Whatever," Greenbeans mumbled. "Those things are stupid anyway." "Stupid or not, they pose a real threat. Just like everyone else in this Garden does, if they see us." "I know that. I just still have a bad feeling about this." "Well, maybe that's good," said Chaos with a shrug. "Maybe that just means you're on your toes." They came to an intersection of tunnels and stopped. "Here, I'll let you pick, just to show I'm a good sport," Chaos offered. Greenbeans looked down each hallway. "I wish he was here right now..." she said to herself. "Who?" Chaos asked. "Oh, a friend of mine... he always seems to go exactly the right way on accident. I just wish he were here. I'd have him decide." "Ah. Well, what do you think?" "Let's go right." They walked a few feet down the corridor to the right. "Do you hear something?" Greenbeans asked, pausing. "Yes, my stomach. I'm hungry." "No, I mean down the hall. It's a rumbling sound." "It's my tummy rumbling. I can throw my stomach." "Shh! I'm serious." Suddenly, a loud squeak reverberated around them, and a dim light shone down on them from above. They aimed their flashlights and looked up. A dark figure was looming over a hole in the ceiling above them. "Uh-oh," said Greenbeans. "Run!" She looked and found that Chaos already started. The figure dropped from the ceiling and landed directly onto her. "Mmf!" she yelped. Chaos stopped and ran back. "Wait!" he yelled. "Don't hurt her! We're sorry! Please don't kill us!" He pointed the flashlight at the two of them on the floor. "Hey... you're not Garden faculty, are you?" "Oww," he responded. Greenbeans tried to push him off. "It's slobbering on me!" she cried. "Who are you?" Chaos asked. "I'm Quandry," he said stuffily, "and I'm not slobbering. I'm bleeding." "Would you mind getting off me?" Quandry took a good look at what he was leaning over. "Oooh baby. Do I have to?" "That depends. Do you value your scrotum?" "I'll get off." He did, and sat against the wall, holding his nose. Greenbeans picked up her flashlight and sat in front of Quandry. She took his hand away from his nose. "Here, let me look at that," she said, taking a handkerchief out of her pocket. "Hold this to your nose until it stops. Don't lean your head back. What happened to you?" "I got booked by a student." "So, I take it you know each other?" Chaos asked. Greenbeans stood and helped Quandry up. "This is Quandry," she explained. "As in the author?" "Yep." "Who's that, and can he take his flashlight out of my face?" Quandry asked. "Oh, sorry." Chaos turned off his light. "I'm Chaos." "As in the fanboy?" "Yep. I can't say it's a pleasure, but I have to admit that I've met people under stranger circumstances," he said, extending a hand. "Nice to finally meet you, though." "You too," said Quandry, shaking his hand with a bloody one. "Eww!" "My bad. Look, we should keep moving. I was being chased by half the Garden when I came down here. They can't be far behind." "Sounds good to me," Greenbeans agreed. "Which way should we go?" Quandry thought for a moment. "Let's go left." *** The door to the PHQ classroom slid open and Quistis walked quickly through. Selphie and Xu looked at her. "Ah, Quistis. We have a situation..." "Yes, I'm well aware, thank you." "You are?" Selphie looked puzzled. "Where are the cadets I sent to get you?" "I had them follow the intruder." "You... so you know about him?" "Know about him? I met him." "Met him where?" "In the laundry room!" she held up the clothes she was still carrying. Xu looked startled. All of the students turned their attention to Quistis, as they usually do when she raises her voice. "My laundry," she said, "My precious laundry!" "Um, Quistis..." Xu began, under her breath. "Look what he did!" "Quistis..." "Do you know he painted a laundry cart?" "Quistis." "My shirt was in there! Look what he did to my vest!" She threw it at Selphie's feet. Xu inched closer and nudged Quistis. "And my panties! He spray-painted my panties!!" "Quistis! "What, Xu!?" "Those, uh... those aren't... YOUR panties." Quistis looked at them as several large beads of sweat began forming on her head. Chibi-Quistis: [full-body blush] "Ah... heh-heh..." [holds the panties toward Xu] Chibi-Xu: [Takes them and quickly stuffs them under her shirt] Sam snickered. Kae used her elbow again to stop him. "He's been painting EVERYTHING," Selphie said. "Perhaps you saw some other examples on your way up here?" "No," said Quistis. "Then have a look at this." She took her to Sam's computer and showed her the Quad. "Q," Quistis said. "Yep. We think he's a Trepie," Selphie explained. "He's obviously hard-core," Xu added, "but what's odd about this case is the fact that he's an intruder. Trepies are usually students here." "He's not just an intruder," Quistis said, looking up from the screen. "He's an author." Xu hesitated. "Another author? You mean... Corvus is back? But I thought..." "No, he didn't look like Corvus, and he was too tall to be Chaos." "Are you sure? He was wearing skates," Selphie suggested. "Trust me on this one," she said, looking at the two of them. "He's an author. Search the database and see what you can come up with." "What should we search for?" Kae asked. Quistis turned to her. "From what I have seen, we know that he likes the color green, he wears bear ears, he skates..." "And he's annoying," Selphie finished. "He also told me that his student number was 'one.' That's all we have, so see what you can dig up." "I'm on it," Kae said, typing away. "In the mean time, let's make sure all the patrols are on full alert. Whoever he is, he's not allowed to be here. Oh, and Selphie?" "Yeah?" "I believe Cid wanted to have a word with you. He's in his office." Selphie gulped and sauntered out the door. [To be continued...] *** [Chibi-Q limps on-stage with chibi sized crutches to help him along] Chibi-Q: "Stay tuned... urgh... I'll be bringing you the next omake from the comfort of my hospital bed. Gyahh.. hopefully." [limps away] Chibi-Sean: "Stay tuned? What, does he mean there's ANOTHER part?? This is getting silly. Hey, Greenbeans, he's taking up all of the omake spots. Is he allowed to do that?" Chibi-Greenbeans: "Um, I'm not sure yet." Chibi-Chaos: "Well, there's no rule that says we can't have more than one omake per release date. We've done it before. Besides, I feel kinda sorry for the guy. Look at him, all beat up like that." Chibi-Xu: "It's not like he didn't deserve it! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get green paint out of your panties!?" Chibi-Greenbeans: "You think that's bad? Try spilling it on your knee some time! See how YOU like walking around the house with no pants on!" Chibi's Sean, Xu, and Chaos: "....what!?" Chibi-Greenbeans: [sweatdrops] "Oops... too much information... uh... see you next time!" [Chibi-Greenbeans quickly grabs her remote control and turns off your monitor] {PART III} Chibi-Sean: "I'm so sick of this Omake that I don't even want to read an intro." Chibi-Quandry: "How convenient, Sean. I didn't much feel like writing one either, so--" Chibi-Greenbeans: "Now, now, none of that. We're live in 10 seconds! Please tell me you have something written." Chibi-Q: "Nope, but I--" Chi-Bean: "We can't just jump straight into the Omake!" Chibi-Sean: "Why not?" Chi-Bean: "Because I said so!!" Chibi-Q: "Peoples, peoples, please! Calm down and listen. I have it all under control. Instead of writing an intro, I've made a short movie." Chibi-Sean: "Huh?" Chi-Bean: "Quandry... how are you going to show a movie!? This is a textual medium!" Chibi-Q: "Just trust me." Chi-Bean: "No!" Chibi-Sean: "Too late, we're live!" Chi-Bean: [stage-fright sweatdrops] "..." Chibi-Sean: [Picks up her motionless figure and carries her off stage] Chibi-Q: "Okay Xu, dim the lights and cue the video!" Chibi-Xu: "Yokai!" [Xu turns off your lights] [Projector starts rolling the movie] "NeeeeeeyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Q H X The audience is reading. Announcer A: "For the convenience of others, please turn off your ICQ sounds during the movie." Announcer B: "Why not try a large soft drink? You know you're thirsty!" Announcer C: "While you're at it, have a large popcorn!" Announcer B: "Mmm, popcorn! Good idea! There's also candy, lots and lots of candy!" Announcer C: "That's right! Don't buy just one box. Buy seven!" Announcer B: "If not eight! Or nine! And have a hot dog!" Announcer C: "Ooh yes! You know you want a hot dog, and you know how you like having ice cream after you eat a hot dog!" Announcer B: "That's true! You should get a quart of ice-cream, and another soda, just in case." Chibi-Kei: "Geeze... why don't they just have a buffet line at the ticket booth?" Chibi-Zell: "Mmmmm... hot dogs...." [drool] Announcer B: "It's available..." Announcer C: "And affordable!" Announcer B: "...at the lobby's concession stand!" Announcer C: "Try some now!" Announcer C: "NOW!!!!!!!!" [Several chibis get up and run in fear to the lobby] Chibi-Q: "Eh? I didn't know we had a concession stand...?" Chibi-Biggs: [behind a counter outside, with a striped concession-stand hat on] "We had to make money somehow! Chibi-Wedge: [with another hat] "Our salaries have been cut so many times that we now OWE money every pay period..." Chibi-Q: "Okaaaay... I believe that, actually. Poor guys. Keep rolling, Xu!" The following preview is rated "H" for All Audiences. Chibi-Kei: "Huh? That's not right!" Chibi-Sean: "Sure it is!" Chibi-Xu: "Down in front!" Chibi-Sean: "I would, if you'd let me go down in f--!" Chibi-Xu: [Nails Sean with a ninja throwing-reel] Chibi-Q: "Shh!!" Announcer A: "Coming soon to an Omake near you!" Announcer C: [deep voice] "You've seen drama!" [Short clip of previous part, when Quistis yells, "My laundry, my precious laundry!"] Announcer C: "You've seen suspense!" [Short clip of first part, when Quandry is hanging above the pool at the center of the garden] Announcer C: "You've even seen Xu's panties!" Chibi-Sean: [clapping] "Yaaaay!" [No clip available] Chibi-Sean: "Awwwww!!" Announcer X: "And now, you will finally see the conclusion of the most ridiculously long, pointlessly written Omake known to man!" Chibi-Q: "...huh? Wha??" Announcer X: "...and where the author secretly likes writing silly intros better than his own story line!" Chibi-Q: "Hey! That's not true! ...I think...!" Chibi-Xu: [snicker] "So I played with the audio track? Call it artistic license." Chibi-Greenbeans: [coming into the projector room] "Um, Xu? I hate to break it to you, but... only authors get artistic license. Characters get--" Chibi-Sean: "Spanked!!!" [THWACK!! Another ninja throwing-reel hits Sean in the jaw] Chibi-Q: "Xu!! Stop throwing around my movie reels! There'll be no movie left!" Chibi-Xu: [fanning off a steaming Greenbeans] "I didn't throw that one!" Chibi-Fujin: "COMMERCIAL!" Chibi-Raijin: "They can't go to commercial, y'know? This is a movie!" Chibi-Sean: "Is it true? If you piss her off enough, does she become Redbeans?" Chibi-Chaos: "Quandry, your intro is falling apart. Better do something quick." [Chibi-Q looks around to see Xu holding Greenbeans from jumping out of the projector room, Sean sticking his tongue at her, Kei yelling at him to sit down, Fujin and Raijin throwing popcorn at the screen, and Zell noisily devouring an arm-load of hot dogs he bought from the concession stand.] Chibi-Q: "You're right. Luckily, I have just the thing!" [Chibi-Q starts waving his hands around] Chibi-Q: "We have an emergency on the campus! Report to the theatre, on the double! WELCOME!" Red Mantle: "And now, our feature presentation. Red Mantle Wipe!!" *** "How's your nose doing?" Greenbeans asked. Quandry took the tissue from one of his nostrils and winced. Most of the blood on it had dried and stuck to his nose hairs, some of which came out with the tissue. "I think I'm doing okay." Chaos looked at Greenbeans, and then at their new bear-eared companion. He laughed to himself, noticing the funny way Quandry shuffled along to balance himself while walking on wheeled foot gear. Still... "Your skates are pretty cool," he said. Quandry sniffed back some blood and smiled. "Think so?" "A bit hard to walk in, aren't they?" "No way, these are an advantage!" He assured him. "Check this out." The three of them stopped, and Quandry spun in a circle. Then he spun another one, kicked in his turbo-jets, and spun about a hundred more really fast circles. He stopped himself instantly on a heel-brake, stuck out his arms, and bowed. Chaos' jaw dropped open to make room for the salivating. "Ano... I want a pair of cool skates like his," he said to Beans. "Hey, you wanna join?" Quandry suddenly sounded excited. "If you wanna join the GiGi's, I'll have to test you. Think j0 g0tz da m4d sHr3ddin' sk33lZ??" "Excuse me??" Greenbeans asked, her head cocked to one side. "What I wouldn't give for subtitles..." Chaos seemed to understand well enough. "You're on!" He said. "What I gotta do?" "A'ight chummer, it's like this. You and me race to Cid's office. We'll make his chair the target. First one to tag wins! All you have to do is tag first, and you're in. Sound good?" "Sure, but I don't have any skates." "No probs, I hook you phatty-phat style." He dug into his backpack and pulled out an extra pair. "Eh? Whoah, whoah, whoah! Guys, stop the show. What is this all of a sudden? You do realize the stupidity of your proposed actions, don't you? Can't you just race to the end of the hall or something?" "Nah! There's no challenge in that," Quandry explained. "It's gotta be something that requires skill, or it's not a real test." "He's got a point," Chaos agreed, fastening his skates. "Cid's chair is a better target." "And have you thought about the world of trouble you'll be in if Cid happens to be IN the chair at the time!?" They looked at her blankly and responded. "No." "Well then, may I suggest--!" "Hey, Quandry, they're too big. These aren't my size!" "They're every size. They have auto-fitting straps." Quandry leaned over and pressed a button, and a small motor pulled the straps tightly around Chaos' feet and ankles. Ecstatic over their coolness, he stood and struck a couple of poses to see how they looked. "What do you think, Beans?" He put his hands on his knees and stuck his posterior out a bit. "Do these skates make my butt look too big?" "WHAT!? Chaos, they're skates. They're on your feet." "I think they look fine," Quandry said, patting his shoulder. "But lookin' hip in your duds is only part of the game. Think you can keep up? Pay close attention now, 'cuz I'm a buss me some moves!" "I really think we need to postpone this, you two. I can hear the voices of some rather pissed off Shumi just around the corner!" They listened for a moment, and unfortunately, Greenbeans was correct. "Uh-oh!" "Guess we'd better get started!" With that, Chaos and Quandry shot down the hallway on turbo-propelled roller blades. "Hey!!" Beans yelled after them. "What about me!?" Quandry came rocketing back and jumped over her, circled around, picked her up by the waist, and zoomed off to follow Chaos. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!???" "Quiet! They'll hear us. Chaos, this way!" "We have an incoming call from B1, South-west corridor," a student announced. "Go ahead and answer it," said Selphie. "Put it on the speaker." Quistis and Xu followed her over to the communications panel. "PHQ here, go ahead." "Team 1, reporting in," the speakers buzzed. "Team 1?" Selphie asked. "Why are you calling from the tunnels?" "We were ordered to leave our patrol area by the Shumi, to join pursuit of the intruder." "The Shumi are involved...?" "We have followed the intruder into the tunnels," said a different voice. "I suggest you set up checkpoints at the southern entrances." "Roger that. I'll notify teams--" "And Selphie." "I-- Yes?" "Unless apprehension of the suspect happens swiftly, this will be reflected on your record." "I understand." The connection dropped. "Selphie," Xu whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You should calm down. As you know, getting too worked up won't help you think any straighter." "Yes, I know. You're right... but that didn't help me any." "Look, it's almost the end of your shift. Why don't you let me take over from here?" Selphie took a deep breath and thought for a moment. "I have some other ideas," she said finally. "Alright, take PHQ. I'll be downstairs organizing the teams." Xu nodded. With Beans in tow, Quandry and Chaos ducked around several corners and sped down many long corridors. "You can put me down any time, preferably NOW," Greenbeans yelled. "Are you sure we're far enough?" "I don't care! Your paint can is digging into my hip." They rolled to a stop, and Chaos leaned over to catch his breath. "Even if they are still following us," he said, "they've got to be just as lost as we are." "I thought I threw my last paint can away," Quandry said, putting Greenbeans back on her feet. "Well, according to the mark in my side, you've got one left," she said, gingerly poking at the bruise. "Sweet! Might as well start using it." He shook it and started drawing a green Q on the wall. "Brilliant," said Chaos. "Leave a trail for them." "Oh yeah. Sorry." "Anyway, I think we're nearing a way out. I see lights on down that direction, which means it's probably part of the used section of tunnels." "Okay," said Beans, standing up. "Lead the way." The three of them continued, walking at a normal pace for once. Chaos led them into the lit area of the tunnels, obviously making random decisions about where to turn. No one said a word until Quandry decided to break the ice. "So," he said. "Hmm?" Beans looked at him. "What were you guys breaking in for?" Chibi-Sean: "To raid Xu's panty drawer!!" ^_^v [ELBOW!] "No particular reason," Beans answered calmly. Chibi-Zell: "I thought he was arrested?" Chibi-Q: "This is pre-recorded footage. Sorry." Chibi-Raijin: "Undergarments seem to be an unhealthily recurring theme here, y'know?" Chibi-Beans: "Shh!" "We just like to look around sometimes," Chaos added. "It offers us a more unique perspective of the world, one which we couldn't get otherwise." "How about you? Why are you here?" "Well, I was hanging out in Balamb about a week ago, and I saw this guy tearin' it up on a hover-board. He was really good! I asked some of the locals who he was. Turns out he's a legend around town, goes by the name of Zell. Someone said he was attending the Garden, so I thought I'd go in and meet him. Get his autograph and such." "Let me guess. You found out as quickly as we did that just 'walking in' is much easier said than done?" "Bingo. The guy at the gate said I couldn't get inside without a pass. When I asked him where to get a pass, he said, 'Inside.'" "How convenient." Chaos smirked. "Yeah, I thought so." "I almost got a pass once," Beans said. "You did?" "Yeah, almost, but you wouldn't believe the paperwork involved! They didn't get back to me for weeks, and when they finally did, they said they'd only consider giving me a pass if I was the last visitor on the planet." "Oh yeah, that was a fine situation!" Chaos said with a laugh. "It took the cadets 25 minutes to diffuse the bomb she built, and 30 minutes for me to convince her that blowing up large groups of people wasn't going to earn her any more sympathy from the Garden staff." "You were going to blow up Balamb!?" "What? They said I had to be the last! I had to start somewhere..." "Whoah... and you people think I have issues just because I wear bear ears?" "Just forget about it. I'm still bitter." "You call that bitter? I call that postal!" Chaos laughed again. "Are you sure about this?" Lucus asked. Lars nodded and opened the door of another maintenance closet. Sara stepped in and tried to turn the lights on, but they didn't work. "Are there ANY maintenance closets with ANY working lights ANYWHERE!?" she spat, frustrated. She kicked her foot up, and it connected firmly with an aluminum pail that she couldn't see. It flew across the room, smashed into a wall, and continued to clang about for much longer than it should have. The clanging sound became deep and hollow and loud, and started to echo. Finally the paaaaaaaaail rattled to a stop somewhere beneath them. "Another entrance to the tunnels," said Lucus. He and Lars entered the room, and another clanganging sound begaaaan as the metal pipe holding the hatch open fell down into the tunnels. The hatch slammed shut and blew a cloud of dust into the room. Lars coughed. "I never thought I'd saaaaay thiiiiiiis, but now I wish you weren't on the soccer team," Lucus commented. "It wasn't my fault. How would I know there was a buck-ck-ck-cket there?" "So, Lars, you think this is where he's goooiiing to come out of the tuuuunnnnnnnnelllllls?" Luucuus aasked. Lars sneeeeeezed and then noddddddded. "Okay thennnnn. I gueeeeeesssss weeeeeeeee waaaaiitt heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrree...." **** [Screen goes white] Announcer A: "We have had some technical problem. Please stand by." Chibi-Q: "Xu! What's going on up there!" Fujin: "INTERMISSION." Chibi-Xu: "The projector overheated and melted the reel! Luckily, I have an extra." Chibi-Q: "What about the rest of that scene?" Chibi-Xu: "Don't worry! I have a replacement reel. The content is a little different, but it progresses the plot sufficiently." *rubs hands together* Fujin: "PLOT?" Chibi-Q: "Huh? What does she mean 'a little different?'" Announcer B: "wwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeee noooow return you to the regularly scheduled Omake, already in progress." [Screen goes pink] Chibi-Q: "AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" *averts eyes* "Death, quick, call the authorities!" Chibi-Death: *cell-phone pressed against his skull* "Already on it!" *Purple hearts start bubbling up from the pink, and cheesy 70's music starts playing* Chibi-Sean: "Woohoo! I know a porn title screen when I see one!" WELCOME to Xu's Pretty Valentine Omake Spectacular! Chibi-Sean: "Oooh!" [Screen lifts up to reveal the stage with several characters dressed in pink tights and purple heart-shaped halter tops.] A bunny-eared character in the center shouts: "Special Live-Action Remix! I'll be playing the part of Xu." Chibi-Zell: *spews out a mouthful of popcorn* "Dr. Kadowaki!??" Bunny Kadowaki: "Hit it, Enju!" [Enju, wearing sunglasses and HUGE headphones, starts scratching records on the turntables, and the 70's music fades into bad valentine techno. The stage characters start to dance in very provocative ways. Another bunny-eared character suddenly bursts onto the stage.] Chibi-Xu: "Hold it! If anyone's going to be playing Xu's part in a live-action remix, it's me!" Chibi-Kadowaki: "Says who!?" Chibi-Xu: "Says Xu!" Chibi-Kadowaki: "Huh? Me?" Chibi-Xu: "No, Xu!" *points at her nose* Chibi-Kadowaki: "....are you calling me fat?" Chibi-Xu: "Xu dang right I am!" [Sirens blare, and a clown-car with police lights drives onto the stage. Three tall men in black suits and bad Oakleys jump out.] OCC Official A: "Are you the characters known as Xu and Kadowaki from Final Fantasy VIII?" Xu & Kadowaki: "Yes...?" OCC Official A: *flashes badge* "This omake is in clear violation of OCC Rules! You are hereby ordered to comply with Article IV, section one, Subpart J, paragraph five, on page three hundred and seventy two of the Omake Conduct Code, which calls for the unconditional removal of any and all objects of a rouge, blushed, or pastel vermilion visual nature, with the exception of facial representations of embarrassment. Such objects shall be removed from the campus area of the garden, or from the immediate periphery of the audience, whichever is greater, and are to be burned in an OCC approved furnace, the requirements for which are listed in OCC Article II, section fo--" Chibi-Xu: "Hold it, hold it! Slow down there, Skippy." Chibi-Kadowaki: "Yeah, how's that in English?" OCC Official B: "Remove your pink and surrender it to us immediately." Xu & Kadowaki: "WHAT!?" Chibi-Sean: "Woohoo! Yeah baby, take it ALL off!" OCC Official B: "If you don't comply, we'll have to take you in." Chibi-Xu: "Ain't nobody taking off no clothes up in this place, beeeya--" OCC Official A: *handcuffs Xu and Kadowaki* "Very well then. I'll have to ask you to come with us." Chibi-Sean: "Bondage too? This is the BEST valentines special EVER!!!!!!!!" OCC Official C: "Are you the character known as Sean?" Chibi-Sean: "Huh? Depends who's askin'!" OCC Official C: "Sean, alias 'Chibi-Sean,' alias 'Hot Lingerie Avenger,' who is from absolutely no video game or self-respecting fanfic whatsoever?" Chi-Beans: "Hey...!" Chibi-Sean: "Okay, okay, that's me. What do you want?" OCC Official C: *slaps cuffs on him* "I'm placing you under arrest for violation of Article VII, section two." Chibi-Sean: "Oh yeah? What subpart? What paragraph?" OCC Official C: "None specifically. You're in violation of the whole section." Fujin: "IMPRESSIVE." Chibi-Sean: "Well, you know, heh heh..." OCC Official C: "Section two clearly states that any and all characters, hereunder referred to as 'STAFF,' who exhibit qualities unbecoming of--" Chibi-Sean: "Look, just skip to the translation!" OCC Official C: "Okay, I'll be straight with you. You're a disgusting little pervert and we're going to burn you with the rest of the pink stuff." Chibi-Xu: "Yaaay!" *tries to clap, but finds it hard with the handcuffs on* Chibi-Sean: "Are you serious? THAT'S AWESOME!!! I'm going to die surrounded by freshly-worn panties!! This is the happiest day of my life!" *wipes away a tear* OCC Official A: *approaches Zell* "Are you the Final Fantasy VIII character known as--" Zell: "Wait a minute! I'm not wearing any pink!" OCC Official A: "We happen to know that the boxers you're wearing today explicitly depict pink flying hotdogs. I'm afraid we'll have to take you downtown, unless of course you can drop-trousers and prove otherwise." Fujin: "KINKY!" *bunch of cat-calls from the audience* Zell: "No no, wait! I have a permit for those!" *hands him a document (in triplicate) from his vest* OCC Official A: *looks it over* "Hmm. Well, everything seems to be in order here." *tears on perforated line* "The yellow copy is yours. I keep the white copy, and will of course be confiscating the pink copy." [Official B takes the pink copy with a pair of barbecue tongs and a large rubber glove, and holds it away from him. Official C takes aim with a flame-thrower and incinerates it.] OCC Official C: "Clear!" OCC Official A: "Clear!" OCC Official B: *nods* "Okay. Thank you all for your cooperation. Please view the remainder of your Omake safely, and have a nice day." [The OCC Officials stuff their perpetrators into the clown car and drive off.] Chibi-Zell: "Phew... that was close." Chi-Beans: "Quandry, aren't you going to do something? They're going to kill him!" Chibi-Q: "What's the big deal? You killed him off once already." Chi-Beans: "That was in a fanfic! This is real life!" [awkward silence] Chibi-Q: "Don't worry, he's in no danger. Remember what we learned in Omake 4? Valentines day is the one day of the year nobody dies. Death is too afraid to visit because the planet is inundated with pink abominations." Chi-Beans: "Oh... oh yeah. You have a point." Chibi-Q: "Besides, those guys were just the Announcers dressed in suits." *snicker* Chi-Beans: "I thought their voices sounded familiar. But now that Xu's gone, who's going to play the movie?" Chibi-Q: "I've got the perfect GF for that." Chi-Beans: "....you have a GF?" Chibi-Q: "Six, actually. Mike, Joel, Tom, Crow, Gypsy, and of course... " *summons* "Cam-bot!!" Chi-Beans: *grabs Quandry by the collar* "Where did you get so many stupid guardian forces!" Chibi-Q: "They're not stupid! Just you wait until I get my 7th one, Magic Voice! She's in the Omega Ruins of FFX, so you KNOW she'll be able to do lots of damage!" Chi-Beans: "Oh, yeah! Mental damage, maybe, to YOU!" Chibi-Q: "Shh! We've got movie sign!" [Cam-bot rolls the film] **** "Did you hear something?" asked Chaos. "Nope," said Quandry, bopping his head. "I'm immune to such inconveniences. I have an MP3 player." "That's great for you," said Beans, poking him in the ribs, "but paying attention to what's going on might help us not to get caught." "Sorry." He took off his headphones. "What are you listening to, anyway?" "Oh, you know, just some carefully selected JPop favorites. I used to get Jet Set Radio, but for some reason my reception went bad when I got here. Usually my bear-ears can pick up anything." "It's because of the interference," Chaos explained. "Interference?" "Yep, interference. You're in FF8 now. Radio signals don't work." "I see. Well, that's why I always have this RCA Lyra for backup." "Whatever. Let's try to keep moving," Beans suggested. Chibi-Rijin: "That's shameless product placement, y'know!" After wandering around for about another hour, the group came to a glass door marked 'Tech Room.' The three of them discussed what to do, noting that if anyone was on the other side of the door looking out, they'd surely be spotted if they walked by. Quandry suggested using the reflective surface on the back of his watch to peek inside the room, and for the lack of any other options, Chaos and Greenbeans agreed. "What do you see?" "Nothing yet. There's a glare." "Hold it lower. And don't stick your hand out too far!" "Relax! I think I see something. Okay, there's a desk, and I think that's a computer... whoah, somebody's there!" "Did they see you?" "No. His back is to the door, and he's doing something on the computer." "Is he wearing a cadet uniform?" "Is he armed?" "No, and kind of. He's wearing tattered black robes, and he seems to be holding a big stick with this pointy... sort of a... hey wait a minute." "What?" asked Chaos. "Pointy?" asked Beans. "Hey, I know that guy!!" "Keep it down!" Quandry stood up and positioned himself in front of the door, pushing his face against the glass. "What the hell are you doing!?" He knocked on the window, and the man in the black robes turned around. "Whaddap, home-dawwwg!" Quandry shouted, flashing a GiGi's gang sign. Chaos and Beans leaned to see through the window, just in time to watch a horrified look of recognition explode onto the pale -- and exposed -- skull of the man behind the glass door. Spotting the two additional onlookers, Death quickly morphed into a rather peaked and unconvincingly living member of the garden technical staff. "Uh... friend of yours?" Chaos asked. "I'm still not talking to you!" Death yelled. He stormed over to the door and pulled a cord that lowered a set of closed blinds over the glass. "Guess not." "Pointy...?" Beans asked again. "Aw c'mon, man! Why you gotta play me like that?" Quandry called through the door. There was no response. "You should be thankin' me! You're old job was obviously stressin' you out hardcore." A fist pounded the blinds against the glass with a metallic thud. "I don't think he's very happy with you," Chaos conjectured. "Nah, he's just a little uptight." "Look, I'm not fluent in obscene gestures from other cultures, but I'm pretty sure that bony finger he flipped at you is universal sign language for 'go away.'" "I have an idea," said Beans. "Step aside." She got up to stand in front of the door, and knocked. "Hey in there! We just want to know how to get out. We want to leave, and we promise we'll take Quandry with us! Okay? We're all leaving. Please help us leave." No response. "Hmm, nice plan, but he probably put headphones on after Quandry wouldn't shut up." The door opened and Death stepped out, wearing a huge smile. "Leave? Why didn't you say so! I'd be more than happy to help. Let's get started, shall we?" "Whoah, that's... suddenly very nice of you," Chaos said, and then spoke aside to Beans. "Nice going." "I've got some maintenance to do on some cable in this direction anyway," he replied, and led them down the long corridor. "I have to admit that my curiosity has got the better of me, though. There seems to be some bad blood between you and Quandry here... maybe there's some issues that you two should work out?" "I don't have anything to say to him," Death snapped. "Oh quit being a baby!" groaned Quandry. "You and me go way back, and you're acting like it was nothing." "Nothing!? Oh no, let me assure you, it wasn't nothing!" Death stopped and spun around to face Quandry. "Do you have any idea what a pain this new friend of yours is, Mr. Chaos?" "Well, yeah actually, we've developed some idea thus far..." "Let me tell you just how much! Do you know what I used to do for a living?" "You're death, aren't you? You kill people?" "That's right! I killed people! And this ignorant little bastard was next on my list the day I lost that job!" "You mean you don't kill people anymore?" "Not unless provoked!!" He leaned in closer to Quandry, who was glaring at the wall beside him. "No, I mean, like... what happens now when people die?" "The position was filled, naturally, but I was replaced by some quack from a temp agency!!!" Beans wrinkled her eyebrows. "There are temp agencies in the afterlife?" "And don't talk to ME about STRESS, kiddo!" Death was yelling more at Quandry now than telling a story. "I had it easy compared to this! Tech support is the FIRST level of hell! I just got off the phone with an idiot you wouldn't believe!" "I don't want to hear it, really, I've done tech support." "I DON'T CARE! You ain't heard nothin'! This chick calls me whining about how she can't update her webpage when she obviously doesn't even know how to, and then she has the nerve to blame it on me! 'The network is down,' she says. I say go read a manual before you come whining to me about stuff you know nothing about!!" Death's disguise wore off in his anger, and he morphed back into a black-robed skeleton. "Calm down, big guy, we feel for you, really." Chaos started to set a comforting hand on his shoulder, but Greenbeans stopped him and shook her head. He realized then that it might not be a good idea to touch Death, after all. "I had it easy when I was the taker of souls! Now there are support levels, and customer service matrices, and metrics to be met, and all kinds of stupid people's questions to be answered! I'D MUCH RATHER JUST BE KILLING THEM!" "Yeah? Well, me too! Look, I'm sorry I lost you your old job, really I am, but think about it. Didn't just as many people have just as many stupid questions when they died?" Quandry said. "Yeah, but...!" "And didn't you always dread having to answer them all, and having to put up with them for the entire trip down the river Styx? I mean tell me -- look me in the EYE and tell me -- that you never wished your ferry had an 800 horse-power outboard engine so that you could get your customers the hell off your boat as soon as possible. Tell me that!" "Yeah, but..." "SEE? See? Every job has stress, that's all I'm saying. So quit whining about how you had some dream job and I lost it for you, okay?" There was a very long, very unsettling silence that followed this shouting match. Longer and more uncomfortable than any ever written. Really! Then, Death breathed a heavy sigh. "You're right. I'm sorry for blaming you for everything." "I'm sorry for ignoring you when you wanted to kill me." "Aww, come over here you big lug!" The two of them embraced, sniffling. "I think I feel sick," Chaos said, holding his stomach and his mouth. "I will be disturbed for the rest of my life. I'm watching a skeleton with a sickle hug a skater punk with bear ears. Is this Halloween or Valentine's day?" Beans asked. "Both, I guess," Chaos said. "Well... uh... we really must be going." "Of course, of course, I won't keep you," Death said. "Listen, here's what you do. See the ethernet cables running above us? Follow them until the yellow and the blue split, and then follow the blue. You'll be turning right, it's the second intersection, you can't miss it. The blues will split into three separate bundles. Follow the bundle marked 3x8fy2x, and not the ones marked 3x8y2fx or 3x8yf2x, because those are the ones that are still working. As long as you don't open the hatches near them, the alarm won't sound. With me so far?" "Uh..." "I'll be working on 3x8yf2x and 3x8y2fx before 3x8fy2x, so you'll have about five minutes. Should be plenty." "Uh..." "Thanks man, we appreciate it," Quandry said, shaking his hand. "Anything for my homie," he said with a smile, and headed down the tunnel. Greenbeans scratched her head. "Most people would be catatonic after witnessing something that odd." "Anything can happen in the written world, I guess. Hey, did you get those instructions he just said?" "Not really." "Fabulous. Well, here are the cables, so I guess we just follow these this way." "Okay.... oh! There's where they split. The blue goes that way." They walked along, staring at the ceiling, looking for labels. "Here it is," Chaos said, squinting. "3x8y2xf. I think this is the one he said to follow." "I think so too, except that one doesn't say 3x8y2xf. It says 3x8x2fx." "No it doesn't! Besides, he never said there were any labels without y's." "Are you sure? It looks pretty clear to me, and I have my glasses on." "Well so do I." "What about this one? It says 3x8fy2x. Was that it?" "No, no I'm sure it was 3x8y2xf. It must be this one." "Wait, why?" "Process of illumination!" "Elimination." "That's what I said! Look, you said that one said 3x8x2fx, and that one says 3x8fy2x. Neither of those were right, so it must be this one." "Are you sure? You said yourself that you didn't understand the instructions." "I never said that, I just asked you whether you got them, just in case I--" "Hold on a second. Where's Quandry?" No sooner had Greenbeans asked than the two of them heard the loud metal squealing sound of a hatch opening. They looked behind them and saw Quandry gesturing from the top of a ladder. "I found a hatch, guys! C'mon over." Naturally, an alarm sounded, and some red lights began flashing around them. They watched in shock as Quandry was suddenly pulled up through the hatch by an unseen force. "Hey!" "Give him back!" They ran up the ladder, and were similarly pulled from the hatch by a very large, very strong man in a pristine cadet uniform. Lars smiled as he set them down next to Quandry. "Sara, you can disable the alarm. I think we've got everything under control," Lucus said. Sara went to a panel in the hallway, and the noises and lights soon stopped. "So! Looks like a three-for-one deal, eh Lars?" Lars nodded and folded his monstrous arms. "Score," Sara agreed. "Please don't kill us with pointy things!" Greenbeans squealed. Lucus laughed. "Mr. Quandry, you don't want to get mixed up with these two. They're trouble. They're authors!" "But..." Chaos started, stopping for the elbow in his ribs. "They're friends of mine just the same," Quandry said. "Look, all we want to do is get out of here. I promise I won't paint anything else if you'll just show us to the door and let us go." "That would be easy, wouldn't it?" Lucus said with a grin. "However, we--" "Lucus?" Sara asked. "Yeah?" "May I have a word with you in the hallway for just a second?" "I... uh... okay. Lars?" Lars nodded again, and stood in front of the doorway as Sara and Lucus stepped outside. "I've noticed, uh..." Chaos began. "That you're rather uh... big. Like, in a large sort of big way." Lars raised an eyebrow. "Not that I'm saying you're overweight or anything! I mean, muscle weighs more than fat, so even if you were overweight, its not to say that you're obese like... you know... uh..." "Your mom?" Greenbeans asked. "Yeah. I mean... hey! Who's side are you on?" "My side! Why don't you do us a favor and shut up before he flattens us into pieces of gil?" she shot back. Lars rolled his eyes. "We've come to a decision," Lucus said, re-entering the room. "We're going to let you out, in trade for a little favor, so we'll have to make a quick stop along the way." "What kind of a favor?" Chaos asked. "Does it matter? It's not like we were giving you a choice," Sara answered, and turned to Lucus. "We'll take the back way. There are less likely to be Shumi, or any inquisitive guards." "Good idea. Lars, help our new friends up, if you would." The very big man picked up Chaos and Greenbeans with ease. Quandry helped himself up, and Lucus offered for him to lead the way out of the room. The six of them walked for several minutes, traversing many hallways and climbing many sets of stairs before they came to a rest. "This has been quite a work-out and all, but we really should be going," Quandry mentioned. "Nonsense," said Sara. "I think you have time to stay just long enough to do us one little favor. But first, um..." "What?" "Can I have your autograph?" "Ex-kyoooz me?" "Us too," said Lucus, handing Quandry two small notepads. Lars nodded expectantly with a strange smile. Sara produced a pen and put it into his hand. "Umm... and I'm doing this why?" he asked while signing. "We're trepies too!" "Yeah! We saw you kissing Quistis earlier!" Sara punched his shoulder. "Shut up!" "Well he was! Weren't you?" "Umm... I'm pretty sure I would have been aware of it if Quistis and I kissed. We were just talking." "Are you sure?" "Relatively sure, yes, given that I was there when we weren't kissing." "Told you!" Sara said smugly. "Here you go." Quandry handed back the autographs. "Awesome! Now, if you could do just one more little thing, you can be on your way." "Okay, what?" The six of them stopped in front of a door, and Sara smiled at him as she hit the button to open it. "Xu, Quistis," Sam said, "Kaede and I have found some information on the intruder, this 'Quandry' person." "Good. What do you have?" Xu asked. "We cross-referenced what we found with existing files for Chaos, Corvus, Greenbeans, and Nightbreak. None of them match, so we've confirmed Quistis' assessment and have created a new file for him." "Okay. What else?" "Well, his biological stats are typical," Kae said, reading from the screen. "His weight is around 83.25 kilograms, height approximately 186 centimeters. His Blood type is as yet unknown; one of the teams found some of his blood in a hallway near the dorms. Test results from the lab are... inconclusive." "What do you mean?" "Well, either somebody spilled soda, or this guy's blood type is Caffeine Positive." "Well, that certainly explains the eccentric behavior. Is there any conclusive evidence over whether he's local or external?" "That's the disturbing part," Sam said. "Behavior patterns suggested a local trepie, but it turns out that... well..." "He's an author," Quistis suggested. "Yes. We found a couple of small fanfics, some essays, and a few short omakes." "I knew it." "How could you tell?" Xu asked. "There was just a way about him that... made me feel... like he was an author." "Hmm. Well, at least that authorizes the use of extreme force. Is there more?" "Other than a strange list of interests, hobbies, and musical tastes, no. Nothing relevant." "Good enough, we have what we need. Well done, you two. Kae, contact Teams 9 and 5; tell them to return to PHQ. Sam, check the status of the teams blocking the southern tunnel entrances, and then continue monitoring." "All we can do now is wait," breathed Quistis. "True, but we need only spot him again." She went over to the weapons chest, pulled out an MP5, and worked the action. "Once his position is known, decisive action will be taken." "I don't think I've ever seen anything sexier in my life," Sam whispered to Kae. Instead of giving him another elbow, she couldn't help but giggle. "Did you find out what the cause of the alarm was on South hatch five?" Quistis asked. "Oh, ahem, uh, yes. Sara from the PHQ team reported in, and said it was her. She accidentally kicked a pail and caused the hatch to slam shut, or something. She, Lars, and Lucus are on their way up, so I'm sure she'll have more details." "Very good." The door to the classroom opened. "Would you be so kind as to introduce us to Quistis?" Sara asked. Quistis turned, and her eyes widened at what she saw. As Quandry realized what he was looking at, his eyes widened in a similar fashion. Before another word was spoken, or even another breath was taken, the brief silence was shattered with explosive noise, as Xu riddled a three-round burst of bullets into the doorframe next to Quandry's head. Everyone then turned to look at her. She was breathing heavily and was as red as a bomb in a fire cavern. "Not good!" shouted Quandry, Greenbeans, and Chaos, all at the same time. Lars, not unaffected by having live ammunition fired in his general direction, had dropped Chaos and Greenbeans. Taking advantage of the moment, Chaos ran. Greenbeans grabbed Quandry, who was apparently too shocked to move himself, and ran as well. "GET THEM!!!!" Screamed Xu at the top of her decibel range, and made sure to be the first one out the door after them, never mind that she leaped over two desks and knocked down three students in the process. "Which way?" Chaos shouted over his shoulder. "Take a left and head for the elevator!" Beans called. "We're right behind you!" More bullets hit the wall behind her and Quandry, and she turned to see Xu in very close pursuit. "Crap!" Quandry shouted, and jumped down to his feet. He picked up Greenbeans, and kicked in his rocket skates. "Chaos! Use your skates!" He yelled. They turned the corner and the elevator was in sight across the short bridge. "Down to the first floor," Beans called, "and the front door is a straight shot from there." A bell rang, and the doors of the elevator opened. "Uh oh." Team 9 was shocked to see people skating toward them, to say the least, but they recognized the intruders nonetheless. Taking positions at either side of the elevator, they aimed their weapons and began to open fire. "GUARDRAIL!" Quandry screamed, and he and Chaos jumped onto the banister of the bridge to grind along it. The bullets from the cadets in the elevator trailed directly behind their heels. The pole quickly came to an end, and Chaos' only option was to jump onto a guy-line that stretched from the elevator shaft to somewhere on the second floor. He jumped and managed to stay balanced on the wire, and quickly realized it wouldn't be strong enough to hold all of them once Quandry jumped on with Beans. But just as Quandry's skates left the guardrail of the elevator bridge, an eyebolt on the opposite end of the guy-line broke from the wall and dropped the wire to the ground. Chaos, Quandry, and Greenbeans each fell to the unforgiving concrete beneath them. "Owwww..." said Beans. "Are you okay?" Chaos asked, quickly stumbling to his feet. He had landed mostly on a bush. "Yeah," she said. "A bear broke my fall." Quandry waved and tried to smile while attempting to stand again. "Look! There's our way out!" They had made it to the first floor, though not the way they expected. There, directly in front of them, was the front entrance to the garden. They could even see some of the stars shining in the night sky outside. "There they are!! Open fire!" Xu yelled, who was followed by Quistis, as they and several guards ran out of the elevator and down the steps toward the intruders. "No time to waste!" Chaos said. He grabbed one of Greenbeans' arms, Quandry grabbed the other, and they lifted her off the ground as their turbo skates fired. They flew through the guard station and woke the guard inside in a rather rude fashion. "Head toward the right, away from the parking lot!" Beans yelled. "The transition point where we can leave is just down the road." Selphie and an army of cadets appeared from the parking garage and set up a rather large cannon on the sidewalk not far in front of them. "Not good! Not good!" Quandry yelled. A cadet positioned himself behind the cannon, and with a flash of light, a chunk of concrete exploded in front of the three authors, knocking them all onto their backs. "Nice shot!" Selphie shouted. "Re-align and fire again once it's cooled." On the other side, Xu and Quistis had emerged with their cadets from the front of the Garden. "We got'em!" Xu yelled excitedly, seeing the three lying on the ground. "Let me see your rifle," Quistis said to the cadet next to her. It was Sam, who readily handed it over. She took it and aimed, looking through the scope "One's moving. They're still alive," she said. Xu immediately opened fire, and all of the other cadets started to fire as well. "We're going to get caught in a crossfire," Chaos said. "Best if we stay as low as possible. There's enough distance between them and us that we might be lucky. If we crawl towards that wall, there's a chance we could inch our way out of here." Bullets sparked the concrete around them, and the heat from another blast of the laser cannon swept over their heads and rolled them over a few times as it exploded on the ground behind them. "They really are trying to kill us!" Beans moaned. Zell woke from his nap next to where there had just been an explosion, and was quite disturbed to find part of his shirt on fire. "AAAAH!!!" he yelled, swatting at the flames, and standing. "Oh great. CEASE FIRE!!!" Quistis yelled, seeing Zell through her scope. "CEASE FIRE! ALL CADETS CEASE FIRE!" "CEASE FIRE!" Xu yelled as well. "Quistis, you're going to have to do it. We can't risk hitting Zell." She stood quietly, still aiming the rifle. "Quistis!" "I know." "Zell, get out of the way!!" Xu called. He didn't seem to hear her. "Zell!" Quandry yelled. Chaos and Greenbeans looked behind them, and saw Quandry standing and running toward the wall where Zell stood. "Quandry, what are you doing!" Beans screamed. "GET DOWN!" "Zell!" he repeated, continuing to run, and then skate, toward Zell. Zell looked up, having just put the flames out, to see the strangest person skating toward him. "Am I still asleep or what?" He asked. "No shot! He's moving toward Zell," the cadet on the cannon announced to Selphie. "Stand down, cadet," she confirmed. "It's out of our hands until the target moves away." "Quistis??" "I know." "Zell! I've been dying to meet you!" "QUISTIS!" "I KNOW!!" A single shot cracked the air. Zell stood and scratched his head as the bear boy in front of him collapsed at his feet. "NO! Quandry!" Beans yelled, jumping up to run after him. Chaos reached out to stop her, but missed. He got up and ran after her as well. "Are you okay?" She asked, kneeling next to Quandry. "Say something!" "Ask him if he has a pen," he said. "I forgot to bring one." "A pen?" Zell scratched his head some more. They helped Quandry stand up, and found that one of his skates had been shot to make him fall. "He wants your autograph," Chaos explained, catching up. "Please don't ask me to explain." "What exactly is going on here!?" Zell asked. "What did I just say?" "Chaos, help me carry him. We have to get out of here!" Xu grabbed the rifle from Quistis' hands. "You want to tell me exactly what that was about?" "Not really." "TOO BAD! Explain yourself!" "I missed." "BULL! You don't MISS. Not since the Irvine thing." Quistis offered no further explanation, despite Xu's glare. With a grunt, Xu turned away and aimed the rifle herself. "If we don't do this, they'll keep coming back," she said. "Wait! Who are you people?" Zell asked. "I'm Quandry. I'd shake hands, but I'm being dragged." "Zell! Get out of the way!" this time he heard Xu's voice, faintly. "I'm going to be confused for months, I just know it," he said, grabbing his hoverboard and flying into the garden. "He's almost out of the way, and I have a shot!" The cadet called to Selphie. In his sights, he could see two of them helping the bear-eared one over the short wall. "Wait until Zell is out of blast range, and fire." "There we go," said Xu. "Steady now..." She watched through the scope as Zell hovered away from the intruders, revealing a perfect shot of Quandry, who was on top of the wall. She aimed between his ears and pulled the trigger. Instantly, she saw the entire section of wall explode in a burst of heat and concrete dust. "What the...?" "Can you confirm a hit?" Selphie asked. "Uncertain," the cadet announced. "I can't see anything clearly until the dust clears. "Forget it," she said. "You, you, and you, go and investigate. Be careful!" Three cadets ran across the front area of the garden, signaling a cease-fire to the ones positioned in front of the guard station. "Go assist them," Quistis said to the three cadets next to her. Lucus, Lars, and Sara saluted and ran after them. She took the rifle from Xu and handed it back to Sam. Zell skated in next to them and jumped off of his board, suddenly realizing the scale of the operation around him. "I'm going to need some answers," he said. "Maybe even some therapy. What in the world happened here?" Quistis stood silently, watching six cadets disappear into the smoke of a broken wall. Xu started at her, trembling and furious. "Great. You, cadet, what happened?" "Um... intruders, sir," Sam responded. He added a shrug as if to apologize for not being able to elaborate. Zell shook his head. "I don't see anything," Sara said. "Me either," Lucus agreed. "Lars?" "They're gone," he said. "Clear!" shouted a cadet from the other group. "Clear!" Lars boomed back. "It doesn't sound like they found them," Sam said. "Could they have been disintegrated?" Quistis continued to stand still. Xu continued to stare at her, but answered. "No. No, of course not. They've escaped." "Should... um, should I go and report to Cid?" "Don't bother," she said, and with that walked away. "You really don't miss, do you?" He asked Quistis. She looked at him then, just for a few seconds, and walked away as well. "Sometimes I just don't get this place," he told himself. "Cadets, pack up and fall in for de-briefing!" "He's bleeding a lot," Greenbeans said. "I can't handle this." "Then quit looking at it," Quandry replied, squeezing at his knee. "It doesn't hurt as bad as it looks. It's the headache from the blast that's killing me. "Landing on your head will do that to you," said Chaos. "At least the bullet went all the way through your leg." "What are you, a doctor?" "No, I just see that there's a hole on both sides." Beans turned her head and vomited. "Oops... sorry Greenbeans." "Are they still looking for us?" Chaos peaked his head over the bush and saw the cadets returning to the Garden. "No, it doesn't look like they realize we'd been thrown this far by the blast." "Lucky. That's my secret weapon, you know. I'm convinced I'm the luckiest bear alive." "You're not a bear," Beans said, wiping her mouth. "You're a chibi." She leaned over and hugged him. "And I suppose you're a bean?" he asked. "What does that make me?" "Oh, you'll always be a fanboy, I'm sure." "So, how much further until this transition point?" "Oh, probably a hundred feet that way," Beans pointed. "A hundred painful feet. Well this should be fun." "Speak for yourself, punk. We're the ones who have to carry you!" Chaos complained. "And we're a lot smaller than you, in case you haven't noticed!" "Okay, okay, I promise I'll carry you all the time when I get better, if it means that much to you." "Whatever. Hey, how'd you like my moves on that bridge there? You never told me if I get to be in your skater gang or not." "That was pretty l33t. You can run with the GiGi's any time." "Sw33t! It still amazes me how we managed not to get shot, though." "Oh it's not that amazing. Ever play Jet Grind Radio?" "No, why?" "Because everyone knows you can't get hit by bullets while you're grinding on a rail." "But that's in an entirely different video game. How would that rule work here?" "Good point. Have it your way, then. You could have been shot to Swiss cheese. Happy now?" "Not until we get home! Beans, grab an arm, let's drag this freak out of here." "Wait a minute, we have to go back. I still haven't got Zell's autograph!" "Fine, we'll leave you here!" said Beans. "Send me a postcard from the Alcauld plains, let me know if they bury you in a nice coffin." "Hmm. I seem to have suddenly changed my mind." They laughed. Red-mantle wipe! *** [Credits roll, and the house-lights go up to reveal an empty theater except for Quandry and Greenbeans.] Chi-Beans: "Huh? Where'd everybody go?" [Someone taps her shoulder] Chibi-Haruto: "Has anyone seen a little red badge around here anywhere?" Chibi-Q: [whistles] [Steve the Slingshot prances on stage] Steve: "Steve's Valentine Message: Love is an immaculate beam of warm fuzzy energy!" Chi-Beans: "What the heck? I'm confused. What's going on here? Who are these people?" Chibi-Q: "Uh, well you see, none of the characters from the fic agreed to help me anymore... ever, actually... so I've had to hire a few extras at the last moment." Toilet-Hanako: "Where's the bathroom in this place?" Chi-Beans: "And what made you decide to bring in cameos from Haunted Junction?" Chibi-Q: "It seemed like the best option; the characters from Haunted Junction will do anything! Once I had that figured out, I called up the folks from Golden Boy and Ping-Pong Club, and wrote a new 'educational' ending. Cam-bot's loading the reel right now." Chi-Beans: "Educational? Oh no you don't!" Chibi-Q: "But it's a big production, you'll love--" Chi-Beans: "No! Not on my website, buster." Chibi-Q: "Oh right, I forgot... this place is perfectly clean." Chi-Beans: *glare* Chibi-Q: *glare back* The end.